why do i exist?
why do i exist? is there even justification for my existence? what if there is none?
It's December 28th, 2023. I recently returned from my Japan trip. I was happy there and now I am overwhelmed by large feelings of depression here in the U.S. I though I recovered from my existential crisis but it returned harder than ever before.
I am now questioning my own existence. I tried to find some justification for my existence but I found none. I just got here by chance like everything else. The world now looks so dark and full of void without any meaning. From the darkness, life emerged like the big bang—a small fire lighting up a small area in the darkness. Now, there are billions of fires lighting up this small area in the infinite darkness. Some fires are new and some fires are old. As the fire grows weaker and weaker, it fades back into the darkness from which it appeared.
I am scared of death. I am terrified of leaving all these things behind. I am terrified of losing my friends and family into nothingness. I am scared that I am not strong enough to handle being alone. Recently, I have been frozen stiff unable to do anything by my fears. Even life is scaring me as well. I am too scared to die and too scared to live. I am stuck in purgatory, in my mind afraid to go out, afraid to go forward. I am too scared to make a decision. I wish I was ignorant. I wish I wasn't cursed with the knowledge that life is objectively meaningless as anything and everything will eventually be forgotten.
I ask myself, why live, why try anything at all if it doesn't matter objectively in the end? I felt that a lot when I was in the trains in Tokyo where large crowds of people were waiting to go either to work or to home. This is how the large majority of their life will play out mostly in work and brief moments of rest. Is this our fate? I look at other animal species and majority of their waking hours is spent in trying to survive whether it is by gathering food or finding a mate.
What is my fate?
In these last few days, I haven't been able to answer these questions. Suffering from this existential crisis has made me consider suicide multiple times. Most people go their entire lives without thinking about this until a major life event happens.
There never was a meaning or reason for my existence. There is none for anything in this universe. Everything is just void and dark. Yet, in this darkness, we all cultivate our own meaning to shine our path in this darkness. As long as we are alive, the light will continue to shine. It may bright brightly sometimes and it may dim other times but it's still there, our own meaning and purpose. Without one, we will die and rejoin the darkness.
Death still scares me, but I don't want to die. I don't want to lose the people I care about nor all the memories I made with them. I have been on this Earth for 23 years. As of now, my light is the hope that I can be better than average in my academics, social skills, and careers. After that, I don't have much planned. After those goals, I wanted to have some peace. However, without a goal, I would lose my meaning and purpose. I would lose my light in this darkness.
If I had a goal after that, I want to teach others what I learned both about communications and my thoughts on life itself. It could be in the form of a book or in a class as a teacher. After that, I want to be a good husband, a good father, and a good friend. I want to return to who I was before, somebody who was genuinely happy and excited without ignorance. I want to be able to find joy in life even while knowing that life is meaningless.
