Do it for him
12/14/2023
Baby face, that is my curse.
Ever since I was a kid, I was considered a lot cuter than other kids due to having bigger eyes and a rounder face. My kindergarten teacher used to take me to her home to hang around while she talked with her friends. Even now at age 23, my parents still call me cute. That is my curse. My cuteness makes me seem harmless to others. Others always look at me like I am something to help but not something to look up to. Whenever I try to be a leader, its hard to be taken seriously. I always get looked at like a kid throwing a tantrum. Even when I work harder, and am more skilled than others, I am always pushed aside for leadership roles. Is that my fate? To always be a kid in the eyes of others? I keep getting friendzoned because I am too nice of a person. It's because I have the face of a boy, not the face of a man. It sucks. THe world is not fair, it never was. The world is many things. THe one thing it isn't, is fair.
I was naive for a long time. I believed the bullshit my parents and everyone else told me. All you need is to have a nice personality and be a good person and you will meet someone right for you. I have empathy and I have been a good person for most of my life. That hasn't led me anywhere. If I was a girl then that could have helped me but I am a guy. We live in a world where confidence is valued much more than empathy. You need empathy to have a healthy relationship but you need confidence to start one. So why am I not confident? Why do I keep doubting myself over and over again. Why do the words get stuck inside my mouth and I stay silent unable to say anything? Why am I such a people pleaser? Why am I slave? Am I always meant to be a dog? A pet for others to play with and throw away when bored? That's how I feel when I am always seen as cute. I hate that word when it's used to describe me. It reminds me of my prison.
I am at a breaking point. I am socially checked out. I tried putting myself out there again and again. It didn't matter how much I tried to express myself or being an interesting person, it never mattered at all. How many times have I been here? How many rejections have I endured? I am tired, I feel like I can't do this anymore. It hurts so much rejection after rejection. My pain tolerance have gone up but rejection after rejection cuts deep. I can't.
What other choice do we have but to keep going forward.
I still have hope that one day I can be someone to be taken seriously. Somebody worth respecting. Until that day, I won't stop changing.
The day I decide I am unable to change is the day where I decide to kill myself.
I have been there before two years ago. I tried killing myself because I lost all hope. I was worthless. No matter how hard I tried, I would still be worthless.
Even now when I have given up, I still have hope that I can change. It's the only thing I have left.
