My Dream:

(10/01/2023)

While I was making rounds at the Clark Kerr Hills Track at 9 pm, I was thinking about my life and why I am so miserable. With every step I took, I could hear the track soil beneath me move with the deers brushing past the grass. Every once in a while, I would look out into the city view glowing with a thousand lights before I face up into the night sky with a few dim stars and a occasional moving plane with green and red lights.

I have a grudge against others. I blame others for making me feeling like slave and being a people pleaser. I just want to be free and feel validated and so I blame others for preventing me in doing so. I kept telling myself, I just wanted to be happy but everybody rejected me so I am on this path of overcompensation to prove myself academically, socially, and romantically. While I was walking and talking to myself, I realized that the world didn't care. They wouldn't give a shit whether I offed myself or won the gold olympics medal. It would just be me posing as a statue while everyone else walks going on with their day.

Then I told myself, if the world doesn't give a shit, then why am I holding myself back. Why am I not being honest and open with others. The reality is that I am scared and still have difficulty learning to trust others. That fear from 7th grade still where I was betrayed and bullied by the people I thought were my friends still resides deep within me. I have been working to be more open and trustful to others but I don't think I will fully get over it. It will be like a scar that has healed. I can't change back time, the only thing I can do is make the most out of it.

With that I realized my true dream once again. I want to be free. I want to be honest and open about who I am with anyone I meet. If I like being around them, I want to be able to tell them that. If there is something I don't like about them, I will let them know in a respectful manner. I just want to be my true self with others. There is a lot of work ahead of me to do. I know I am not at that confidence level. Every night I try to make time to walk and write. During the day, we are always busy with work and engaging with other people. At night, I want to save time to check up on myself. I get to be honest with myself and reflect properly. I am tired of being angry toward others but I am also tired of feeling sad and trapped. I just want to be happy and free. I have a lot of work ahead of me but I have hope that someday, I will feel that.