weekly journal (03/16/2024)

Well, it's been quite a while since I last journaled. I don't remember when it was the last time I did it.

I just finished my total rejection list from girls. So far, I have 32 rejections, and 0 successful relationships (aka, having sex with them).

I have been single and alone for so long that I have become used to this. My desire to be seen as boyfriend material and handsome rather than "just a friend" is increasing day by day. My morality and care about others have diminished. I will most likely see multiple people simultaneously and cheat on my girlfriend. While yes I am horny as a guy but I am very power-hungry. I want to prove that I can be sexually confident too by sleeping with multiple women. I want to prove I am capable. Until I have proven myself of this, I will inevitably hurt or cheat on my girlfriend.

This is who I am. An edgy playboy.

I would rather be a fucked person with power than a powerless nice person.

I thought about what my friend David told me: "You are a horrible person. You don't deserve her".

I agree, a horrible person like me doesn't deserve her. However, in this world, just because it deserves to be doesn't mean it will. Results are everything. It doesn't matter whether you spend hours every day studying and working if you can't get good grades on the test. It doesn't matter if you have a nice personality if your looks are shit and you have no confidence around women. I don't deserve her, but I don't care. Do you know why? It's because I want her and that itself is a reason enough to continue this regardless of whether she gets hurt or not. There is this sick part of me that wants to spread pain and suffering in the world. I want to be the reason why people stop believing in god and faith because when they look at me, I want them to think that God wouldn't allow such a horrible thing to exist.