Bus ride back to Berkeley
(01/08/2023) Monday
As I am in the second half of my bus ride back to UC Berkeley, I had a lot of time watching the different landscapes of California. I started listening to Kpop and some old songs that I haven't listened to in years. I did some journaling again once in a while.
Right now, my mental state is still horrible. I am still depressed and my low confidence hasn't gone away alongside my stress and anxiety. I have been very sad throughout the whole bus ride thinking about the things I could have done like visiting my childhood friend from Po Kok Primary School, Pratibha in the U.K.. I have lost a lot of belief in myself. I don't know if I am still capable of doing the things I set out to achieve like getting good grades, getting a good internship, and having a girlfriend. Deep down, I am scared of failing.
Despite all of this, somewhere deep within me, I believe, that this is my year. 2024 might be the year when I do end up getting a girlfriend successfully. In new years eve, I made my resolution to get a girlfriend. I would put in actual effort to get one. I feel as if this year is special. This year is where all the stars align and I am at my best state physically and mentally. I have hope even after all I have been through. I was born in 2000 and my year zodiac is an Eagle in Nepal or a Dragon in the Lunar Calendar. Every 12 years, each zodiac's year returns. My dragon's year has returned. I don't believe in spirits, god, or religion for the most part. However, there is always a small part of me that has faith. That part right now is telling me this is the year where I have to make the most out of it before it leaves forever. This is a once in a lifetime oppotunity and I will take it. My mom told me that this is my year as well when she put on the necklace for me. However, there is also a part of me that is concerned. In 2012, it was the year where I started secondary school which eventually led me to being betrayed and bullied. This forever changed me who I am as a person. I have a feeling that great change awaits me this year, good or bad.
Another topic:
I will always be different and special no matter what I do. In Nepal as a kid, I spoke really good English with no accent but I couldn't even write Nepali like everyone else. In Hong Kong, I was too active and wild compared to the rest of my peers. I was the class clown. Others time I was also a leader because I kept coming up with stupid ideas and spreading it to other guys like making a comic series called "Boys VS Girls". After I came to the US, initially, what made me different was the polar opposite, I was extremely quiet, anxious, and nervous compared to my American counterpart students. As the years went by and I recovered slowly, I returned back to my wild self which made me different again from the peers. Maybe it's the way I was raised or it was all the events in my life, but there was always something that set me apart. Even in SMC when I began copying others to become better friends with them, there would always be something off about me. Maybe it was the way I looked or the way I acted. No matter how hard I tried, something at my core made me different and it will most likely always make me different. It sucks being different because most people don't understand you. People like me who are different are bound to either end up as loners or as leaders. I have lived as both. I want to be able to express myself authentically and have genuine fun with others in life.
