Weekly Journal (03/18/2024)

Yesterday night, me, David, and Canyon got into an argument. It was about me and my girlfriend. I told them that if the girl that I was seeing doesn't want to have sex with me, I will have to eventually break up with them. I am a horny guy so I want to have sex with the people I am attracted to. I don't want to constantly have to rely on porn, I want to make love and feel loved. That made them pissed, especially David. They said, I only wanted the girl for sex. That statement is not fully true. Yes, I only want to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to have sex with me. However, sex isn't the sole thing I am after. I also want somebody who I can have a good time with whether it's in having deep conversations or going on random adventures around campus. This is the reason why I don't just fuck prostitutes. I want to feel emotionally connected with someone and also have sex with them. If neither of them works, I am going to break up the relationship eventually because this isn't what I want.

David told me that I am a horrible person. He asked me, "what makes you think you deserve her?"

I responded, "It's not a question of whether I deserve her or not, it's a question of whether I want her or not?"

He told me, "How did you end up this way. How did the Biraj from the Senator video from high school end up like this?"

I told him, "I was always like this, I was just more quiet and scared back then."

I am wondering, how did I end up like this?

I used to be pleasant back in the day who wouldn't even think about hurting others. Rather hurt others, I would have chosen to get hurt myself. When we failed a project, I told my comissioners to hit me as a pathetic attempt to please them.

Now, I am willing to break a girl's heart to satisfy my goals.

I don't think I changed overnight. The years of rejection and self-improvement transformed my personality as well. I realized that just because it deserves to be, doesn't mean it well. This is why bad guys can have nice girlfriends or abusive girlfriends can have boyfriends who are super nice while genuinelly nice people on both genders remain single. I learnt that niceness and loyalty are not on the top of what makes a good candidate for dating. Looks, confidence/vulnerability, and emotional connection are what guys and girls look for. For a good relationship to last, loyalty and being considerate for your partner are important. However, if you are single and are trying to get into a relationship, those two shouldn't be your focus. All those years of rejection, all those times I cried while writing or staring at the stars wondering why I am still alone, and the realization of my own slavery made me put a high emphasis on my own needs over others. That's why I feel less concerned or less hesitation when being an asshole to others if it benefits me.

I know my friends will view me as a horrible person for breaking a girl's heart. However, that should be a given in almost any relationship. When you choose to fall in love with someone, you also have to accept that there is a chance they may not love you back or they may stop loving you back. There is always that risk. Everyone should be aware of it. If you don't want to get hurt from heartbreak then don't get into a relationship in the first place. Stay single forever to avoid the pain.

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weekly journal (03/16/2024)