Art and Creativity
11/24/2023
Yesterday, I was helping out my cousin by reviewing his University of California Personal Insight Questions. One of his prompts was about creativity. He chose to talk about how he utilized painting as a way to bridge the gap when his dad left to work in a different country. He talked about painting family portraits or everyday objects to send to him. Then he transitioned the essay towards video editing on TikTok.
My main criticism of his essay was I didn't sense that much creativity or self-expression from it. From my perspective, creativity isn't limited to art, and art by itself is not always creative. Creativity is about trying out new ideas and seeing from a different perspective.
I have been drawing since I was 6 years old. I started doodling random things from my brain because it was fun. As I entered 4th grade, I drew comics about boys vs girls because I was immature and just wanted to have fun back then. Each comic panel box would have large-scale stick figure wars with guns, blades, and tanks with one party emerging victorious at the end of each chapter. During 6th grade, my parents intervened and told me to get better at drawing and make things more realistic. As a people pleaser, I obeyed. I began to draw things from the outside making them more realistic starting with my white tiger plushie. After I came to the US, I took drawing classes where I drew glass with water. I made the edges bold and shaded the water flowing to make it as realistic as possible. I wanted to impress others with my drawing skills. Then, in college, I went straight to Drawing 3 where I drew naked people in person from 6-8 pm every Monday and Wednesday night. I did my best to shade their face, abs, legs, and arm veins as realistically as possible. I would draw with a charcoal pencil and switch to either a napkin or my pinkie finger to smooth out the shadings.
This was in 2018. Now in 2023 October, I went on a trip to John Muir Woods. I did a kid's activity workbook to get a free wooden park badge. Our last task was to draw ourselves as junior rangers. For the first time in years, I drew a stick man. I started with a circle face under the pre-placed hat, added two dots, and an arc for a happy simple smile before adding the body, arms, and legs with 5 lines. Drawing that stickman made me more happy than drawing any of my past realistic sketches. Upon that realization, I felt ashamed and embarrassed. All these years, I had been drawing to impress others. Art was about creativity and self-expression but my realistic drawings had none of that. Hell, even my doodles at 6 years old had more personality and wit. I was an alchemist bringing new ideas and drawings into the world expressing my carefree attitude. I didn't care about drawing standards or what other people thought, I just drew whatever I wanted to.
My journey of drawing represents my journey as a person. As a kid, I was overconfident and didn't care much about others' opinions. I didn't care if others saw me as stupid or weird. If I was having the time of my life in class laughing hysterically about a Minecraft diamond balls joke with my best friend, then so be it. After the bullying and betrayal in 7th grade, I lost that carefree attitude as I always changed my personality to make others like me. I even became a pet to a girl 3 grades above me. They would pat my head and touch my cheek in front of my other marching band members. Back then, I liked it because it was my only source of affection when I had no friends or parents who liked me. Fast forward to now, I am still hungry for attention and ego. That trauma from the past has cut so deep that I can't stand being inferior to others. I can't stand constantly being silent and ignored. I have to keep improving and show others I am better. I have improved, I have lost weight, and acquired new skills. There are some people who respect me and look up to me. However, in the midst of all that, I lost the joy of living. Life stopped being about enjoyment anymore. It only became about winning and self-improvement. I went from one extreme to another. Someday, I hope to find balance. Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to still beat others while having a genuine smile on my face. I will be able to draw stick figures on my notepad not due to my lack of artistic skill but because of my desire to have fun and express myself. Once I have beaten enough, then I can have some peace away from all of this.
