Something to tell Sam (07/28/2024)
1-purpose of life (make up for the past failures), depressed and need reason to live
Yesterday, I went to my school's botanical garden. It's a relaxing place in the Berkeley forest hills with hiking routes. I had a lot of time to reflect. I was just sitting down and watching a small waterfall behind leaves as I thought about all of this.
One thing I thought about was the purpose of my life. Sam, I am almost always depressed and suicidal because I see living as a pain in the ass. Most people need a reason to die, I need a reason to live.
The only thing going for me is overcompensating for my past failures. Being rejected by every university, being rejected by the girls I asked out, being the weird kid who didn't understand social norms. I used to be the class clown who all the teachers hated in 7th grade. I was my female upperclasswoman's pet. I was the annoying kid most relatives hated to be associated with. All of those things crushed my ego so hard that I am spending a lot of years recovering and trying to prove myself wrong. I have to show that I am not the same Biraj from a few years ago.
There is a reason why I can't just have a relationship, I have to prove that I can ask or date any kind of woman in the world. I came to Berkeley because most of my life I felt treated like a retard whether by family, relatives, or peers. I want to work at FAANG just to prove I can be "successful" too. It's a fucked up purpose but it's the only thing I got going for me.
A part of me is worried that if I end up overcompensating and fulfilling this dream, do I just become empty, depressed, and suicidal? I have nothing else going for me.
I tell everyone that I want to wait until I am 30 or 32 years old before I get married. That was just a good estimate of when I will finish overcompensating. I don’t intend on being married until I am done with this. If I don’t, I know that when I am on my deathbed, I will be cursing myself full of regret for not making up for my past failures.
I don't have any other goal as personal as this. I like traveling, finishing video games, having fun, and relaxing but nothing gets me riled up as this. This is something I am constantly thinking about 24/7. It's who I am.
There is a part of me that wants to go back to the old times when I was ignorant and carefree about this world. After all this, I will probably get married and focus on my family and friends till I die.
2-My past self, suicide and loss, selfless for selfish reason (never cared about women)
Now that I think about it, I never cared about women in the first place. In the past, I only cared because I didn't want others to see me as an asshole. Being a people pleaser, I satisfied people's expectations of being the nice guy even when I didn't want to be nice. I tried to be as helpful and caring as much as I could to others. I would always go out of my way to help others even when my life was falling apart and I was contemplating suicide.
Ever since Covid-19 and the falling out between me and my parents, I have changed in that aspect. I am more honest about everything. I am sexist. I don't care about women as much as I care about men. I only understand the struggles and pain of being a guy in modern society. I don't know what's it like for women. As of now, I am not putting in the time to understand them unless it directly benefits my goals.
Everyone in this friend group view relationships in high regard. When you get a girlfriend you are supposed to be loyal and care about them. I don't see things that way. Unless you have been together for a long time (6+ months), you shouldn't invest too much into it unless you want to. You guys have been there for me for a long time. You helped me out when I was too shy to talk to people, and too scared to try out new things. For that, I owe you guys my loyalty. Women and other people haven't done shit for me so I don't give my loyalty to them that easily. They weren't there for me when I got rejection after rejection from girls and schools. But you guys were there.
3-Journal because I think I am boring and have nothing to say
The real reason I started journaling was not for mental health. Trying to improve mental health was one reason but it wasn't the main one. It originally started as a diary and as a way to organize my thoughts. I am scared of other people seeing me as being disorganized and boring so I would write down the topics I would talk about before meeting with others. Just a way to impress people.
Right now, I journal out my thoughts on all topics. Sometimes I write about a fucked up event in the past such as getting bullied by my classmate. Other times I write about having fun playing Roblox with my younger brother. By writing down these thoughts, I can better organize them and they come out smoother when I end up using them as talking points in real conversations. As for mental health, it gives me room to vent and express myself with 0 filters. Nobody is going to read it except me. Sometimes, letting out those dark thoughts gives me a brief moment of peace.
