Four is the number of death
4 What’s something you want to accomplish in the next year? (03/02/2023)
As for 2023, since I have roughly 3 months left, one of my main goals was to be better at expressing myself. More specifically, learning to be more vulnerable. Growing up with Asian parents in a restrictive household, obedience was the norm. Your personal desires came after the needs of your family, your culture, and your society. Doctors, engineers, and lawyers were the top 3 career choices as those were the jobs seen as the highest status alongside the most contributing to society’s growth. Arts, philosophy, writing, and music were often looked down upon.
As a kid especially in Nepal, I used to be outgoing and social because I was living with my aunt and cousins and they they let me roam free and do whatever I want for the most part. At age 7, I used to be walking around the town by myself and return when the sun started set with no phone or anything. I am still surprised I haven’t been kidnapped yet. I moved to Hong Kong at age 8 and my bad academics alongside my video game addiction worsened my relationship with my parents. Nights of relaxing family dinners turned into repetitive arguments, lecturing, beating, and rarely getting kicked out of the house temporarily.
During my first year of secondary school, my social life became almost 0. All of my friends from primary school went to different schools. I was put in a class full of strangers, strangers who were much smarter, better looking, and richer than me. My bad habits followed me to this school. I became the class clown because I would often be daydreaming, barely passing my exams, forgetting my textbooks, going to detention at least once a week, showing up late, and sometimes straight up falling asleep. I also got repeatedly bullied by the same group of 5 kids throughout the school year to make things worse. My 3 years of taekwondo and black belt didn’t do shit when you are in a 1 vs 5 situation. This made me dwell deeper into my video game addiction and late night manga readings to temporarily escape my shitty life situation.
My bad social life at both school and at home with no friends fucked me up mentally. I had lost all self-confidence in everything. I just decided to become mute because I thought nothing mattered. I had nobody to talk to and I kept my mouth shut to not attract further bullying or criticism. My parents went from calling me Gatha(donkey) to Lato(mute) because I barely spoke anything at home, school, or social events. I accepted that I will always remain this mute kid who is a failure at everything in life. Somehow my parents won the green card lottery and planned to immigrate to the US. When I heard the news, I didn’t feel much excitement. “Not even America could fix me”, I thought. After I passed 7th grade, my classroom teachers had a meeting with my parents. They told me that while I did pass my classes, I was doing way below average compared to my peers and if this continued on in 8th grade, I might have to drop out. My parents started scolding me in front of my teachers about how I should study more, be a better son, and get off the video games and phone. I have heard this hundreds of times before and I showed no emotion in response that I did not care about anything anymore. One of my teachers came to my defense. While I had bad grades overall, she talked about my passion for biology and the only class I did well in. That one compliment broke me more than anything. I couldn’t stop crying in front of everyone. I had to use the tissue boxes mainly reserved for the crying parents. Even after almost 10 years, I still remember it.
In America, my low self-confidence and depression kept me from talking much. I get bored a lot so I would often eavesdrop and observe my classmates. It wasn’t till my sophomore year of high school that I began to make friends. I read books on how to make friends which is essentially learning to be curious about what others are passionate about and listening to them empathetically. With enough practice, I became good at making friends just by listening. I barely had to speak other than asking them questions or making comments to keep them talking.
However, I slowly realized this year that despite all my friends and listening skills, I was only half-good. I barely know how to express myself properly. I am a huge coward so I am learning to be more vulnerable. I want to be able to both listen and express who I am and what I want to others. I am tired of not being honest and always keeping quiet all the time. Part of me often wonders, do most of my friendships mean anything if they barely know who I am?
