95 and 96
95. Who was your first love, and what was it like? (05/19/2023)
I am 22 years old and about to turn 23 in 3 months. I have never fallen in love before. I have been in 2 past relationships but I never progressed much in them due to my ignorance and cowardice. I had no idea how to ask out girls or what to do for dates. My social paranoia and over-valuing of other people's judgements made me hesitate a lot whether it was in asking them out, being more physical, and going for the kiss. It felt forced most of the time.
Back then, I was a social and mental mess. Only recently have I begun to make progress in sorting that mess out. I wasn't aware of how scared I was of others and the source of my fears. I still have a lot of work to do.
The closest thing to love was with one of my recent friends/coworkers. This was at a stage in my life where I began to be more vulnerable to both build honesty and to alleviate the social barriers caused by my paranoia. There was a deep part of me that wanted to express myself fully and honestly like never before. When I finished speaking, I expected hatred and disgust from her. However, she understood what I was going through and didn't leave. That genuine act of kindness touched me in a way like nothing before. I felt at ease around her and she accepted me more than I accepted myself. That is the closes I have gotten to falling in love with someone.
96. Write a letter to someone who’s hurt you in the past, but don’t send it. (05/19/2023)
In Hong Kong, 95% of the population is Chinese with the other 5% composed of various minorities ranging from other Asian countries like Nepal, India, Phillippines, Thailand, etc. I often hung out with kids who were non Chinese like me because I barely knew how to speak Chinese and was fluent in English instead.
After finishing primary school, I had to start fresh in 7th grade as all my previous friends attended other schools. I ended up joining a group of boys who were non Chinese like me. One was Nepali same as me, three were Indian, and two were from Pakistan. I was closest to the Nepali dude. I will call him Vishna for now because I forgot all of their actual names.
In the beginning, it was fine. We sat together in class, shared jokes during breaks, and often ate lunch together. It was just a group of guys being dudes. I thought the friendship would last until our graduation. However, I was betrayed by them and kicked out of the friend group halfway into the school year. This letter is for Vishna.
Letter:
Hello Vishna,
This is BG back from 7th grade. Before you and the other guys betrayed me, I thought we would remain good friends until we graduated. I was wrong. The feeling of betrayal hurt more than the kicks and the punches you all threw at me in the hallway.
Looking back, I should have seen this coming. I was the class clown all the teachers hated, I didn’t excel in any academics or sports, and I did a lot of stupid things here and there.
Maybe it was you who started it all. Or, the other guys wanted to get rid of me so you went along to avoid being betrayed yourself. I hope all of you and your loved ones suffer miserably throughout your lives and die as soon as possible without having any of your dreams fulfilled. That day, you taught me a valuable lesson. Those who do not adapt to their environment will be punished and ostracized by others. Being the same nationality or same race doesn’t mean shit in friendships alone. I don’t want you to feel guilt or remorse. I want you to feel pain and suffering like I have.
Sincerely,
BG
