94

94. What event changed the direction of your life forever? (05/16/2023)

Performing self-harm on myself for the first time.

Growing up, I never fit in my family. I was always too much of a loose cannon for everyone. I loved being free more than anyone else. I didn't like being chained and constantly being under restrictions. Growing up Nepali, the culture felt like a cage to me. I didn't want to only associate myself with a certain group of people and live a certain lifestyle. I want to try everything. As a result, I was always considered to be "too American" for my parents.
Despite my love for freedom, I was also a huge people pleaser. I would be the type of guy to let others step over me. I would be treated like a dog and I wouldn't mind. I would be the prime target for everyone's blame and hatred because I never fought back or spoke up. My dad would lecture me for hours about how bad of a son I was and how I needed to improve. I would endure all these lectures painfully alongside their insults: "gatha"(donkey), "raches"(demon), and "latta"(mute).
This went on for years. Initially, I tried arguing back to reason on why I wasn't that bad of a son because of my good academics and extracurriculars. I didn't do anything bad other than playing video games a lot. However, what they really wanted for me to be was to embrace Nepali culture like them which I wasn't willing to do.
Outside home, I had friends to hang out with and volunteering activities to stay productive and self-improve. However, covid took all that away from me. It was back to lectures without nothing to look forward to. Nothing to keep on enduring this pain for.
It all climaxed in Fall 2021 in a lunch argument where both my mom and dad called me worthless over and over again. Years and years of this shit was piling up and finally it reached its max capacity for me to endure. My mind cracked as I grabbed the fork and stabbed it into my left wrist. In the next few days, while my wound healed, I was in a very dark place. I was paranoid. A part of me knew that if things continued the way it was, I would attempt suicide again and at some point, I would succeed.
While reviewing one of my college essays with my counselor, I broke down crying because I wrote about what happened. She had to refer me to a therapist. My life hasn't been the same since that lunch incident. A part of me is still terrified that I feel to that low of a mental state. On the bright side, I am not much of a people pleaser I used to be before. Opening up about those painful events has allowed me to trust others and be more confident in myself. It's a change in mindset so drastic that only a painful event can set off.

Extra Notes:

I have made some good progress on self-improvement. It took me a long time but I finally accepted my dark thoughts. Even though I do my best to be a good human being, that dark part of me will always remain that constantly fill me with envy and anger of others’ successes. It’s my darkest secret which I have the most shame in. It was something I was planning to bury in the grave with me. However, I have a lot of people that I care about and they deserve to know the truth about me. I plan on telling them even knowing that doing so might destroy our friendships and family bonds we built over the past 10 years.

However, I also have other problems to take care of. Another huge shame of mine is my fears. I am a huge coward when it comes to a lot of things. I am a people pleaser. One of my biggest fear is upsetting others. I would often refrain from asking for help because I didn’t want them to see me as useless. I would avoid telling the harsh truths or my honest opinions that conflict with theirs because I didn’t want to anger them and have them stop talking with me. That fear of all my friends betraying and leaving me again just like in 7th grade still lingers in my mind.

As a result, I have lost control of my own life. Almost every action I took was to be in good terms with everyone else. Even tasks I didn’t want to do, I would do to avoid upsetting others. My fears have been controlling me this entire time. I feel both frustrated and embarrassed for feeling like a puppet in my own life. A part of me wants to maintain the status quo of my reputation as the helpful male friend that will never hurt you. The rest of me wants to be free from all my fears and regain control in my own life. I feel trapped and conflicted.