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92. Write about the person who impacted your life most and why. (05/16/2023)

My dad.

I wouldn’t be the man I am today without my dad.

My relationship with both of my parents is complicated, and it is even more with my dad. Both of my parents had high expectations for me and I disappointed them with mediocre performance. At least twice a week, he would give me hours of lecture on what I should do better. During most of the lectures, I would often just stare at my food and never look at him. It would usually be at lunch or at dinner. So to avoid lectures, I would often eat food in my room or finish my food quickly before he was done. Initially, I hated him for that. Being above average wasn't good enough, I had to be at the top to make him happy. I felt less like a son and more like a trophy. A trophy to be shown off to others and to be compared with other trophies like myself. I detested him for that. I hated the Nepali culture I grew up in. I hated it so much that I told myself that I would never marry a Nepali person. If I did, I would be stuck in this hellhole of constantly attending family gatherings I didn't care about, being the subject of gossips from relatives, and putting my child through the same shit I did. I didn't want that. I also held a lot of grudge because of the way my older sister was treated.
Males are way more valued than girls in Nepali culture because the male stays in the family while the girl joins the family of her husband. As a result, males were prime candidates of investment because they would stay and continue the bloodline. Guys have more freedom and more favorability overall. My sister wanted to be a tattoo artist because while in hostel school, she often did drawings to pass the time and she only had her black pencil to draw with. However, since art is not considered to have real-world applications, both my parents and her parents forced her to give it up and to get a chemistry degree instead.
Compared to before, my hatred has subsided a lot. While I still disagree with my dad's methods, I understand where he was coming from. Both my parents grew up in villages and neither of them had good working opportunities. Both of them worked overtime a lot to make ends meet and they didn't want that for me or Biggyn. Their lectures and punishments didn't compare anything to the hell that awaited me if I failed my studies and did hard labor. He wanted a better life for me and that's what he achieved.
Growing up when I still had animosity towards him, I would often disagree or ignore the life ideas he was trying to teach me. As time went on, some of the ideas began to make sense. One of the ideas was that looks aren't everything when it comes to relationships. He was right as one's personality is important as well.
However, the issue between both of us was that we were living in two different worlds. There is almost a 30 years difference between us. He values stability and overall life happiness. I only care about getting revenge and overcompensating for my past weaknesses. He identifies as a Nepali person and loves family gatherings. I don't have a strong identity in anything and want to avoid family drama. Most of his circle are Nepali people in the US and all over the world. Most of my circle are a few Nepali people with the rest being friends I made in high school, college, and in the military. We live in different worlds and want different things. Despite our differences, he has made a lasting impact on me. Growing up like a trophy played a role in my dark desire to overcompensate. He was the one that taught me that its not about how good you are, but its about who you compare to everyone else. Everything is relative, even me.

93. What was your favorite toy growing up? (05/16/2023)

Growing up, one of my favorite games was Age of Empires 2. 7 year old me had a blast when I played it one my older cousin's windows XP pc. I loved the idea of using workers to gather resources, create buildings, and deploy troops to destroy your enemies. My favorite toy as a kid wasn't even a toy. It was pens, lots of pens. While in Hong Kong, when I was 8 years old, I would spent a lot of nights by myself while my parents were working. I had 3-5 toys like small hot wheels cars or small plastic dinosaurs. What I did have at home were lots of pens, markers, highlighters, and colored pencils. I would get off the bed and into the blue carpet floor. I would stack some notebooks and textbooks to create hills or large flat bases. I would lay my pencils together like a group of troops waiting for their enemies. I would round up the pens and move them between the buildings before they got ambushed by the pencils. I would make a whole lot of "Bang, bang, bang, bang!" for the battle alongside troop voices like, "It's an ambush!", "send reinforcements!", or "Retreat, retreat, retreat!". I played with my pens for about a year before I got permission to play my flash games on the computer. Even with video games, playing with pens and pencils had to be some of the most fun and memorable times I had playing with toys.