91
91. Which of your family members do you admire and why? (05/14/2023)
My older sister. Technically, she is my cousin but since she is from my dad's side of the family, we treat each other almost like siblings. She is the closest thing to a role model I have. It feels weird having celebrities or entrepreneurs as your role models. Sure, they have had a lot of success but we don't know their full story and neither do they know us. They don't give a shit about us. I often get into arguments with my family so none of them are my role models. Most other relatives I barely know other than my older sister and a few others. I call her Ela Didi and it sounds like a title or a position. I have been calling her this ever since I was a kid and I don't think I can ever call her Ela by itself.
I admire her because she is a good human being. Most people including myself are neutral. She is just a nice person overall who is always helpful and knows when to listen. She is also a crackhead doing random stuff like driving to San Francisco from LA and back just because she wanted to one morning. She would often invite me to do food challenges or go outside to eat at different places. Her presence made living in the US feel like home. I want to do the same thing as well to others. I want to be the crackhead who is not afraid to do dumb and weird things while also being kind to the ones around him.
Extra Notes:
Today, we had a Paint N Sip event. We were all given a white painting board and we could paint whatever we want. I have never been much of a painter but I painted a few things during art classes whether it was the grassy hills or the night sky filled with stars. I was more of a drawer because it was more convenient. All I needed was a piece of paper and a pencil or a pen to start drawing whatever I wanted. I drew most things by copying what I saw whether it was my right hand holding a pencil while I was drawing, random cartoons on the internet like Pokemon, a glass of water, the campus tree, my own face from the mirror. I drew a lot because I wanted my art to look good. I learned how to shade and create 3d definition in my drawings through using tissue paper to smudge rough graphite on paper into a smooth grey surface. I drew a lot of naked models in drawing class as well doing various poses. I have drawn a lot of things.
Today, I thought about what I wanted to paint. A thought came across my mind. In my mind, I told myself, art is a form of self-expression whether its a song, poem, drawing, painting, dance, etc. I wondered in all those drawings I did in the past, what was I expressing.
Nothing, I wasn't expressing anything at all. I was just drawing nice things for the sake of drawing beautiful things. A part of me wanted others to notice my good drawing skills but underneath all the beautiful drawings, there was no soul nor personality. I was very embarrassed of myself when I realized this. I was always drawing for others but never for myself who spent hours and hours drawing.
In my last paint n sip, I painted the night sky with stars because it looked beautiful. Today, I want to create an artwork to express myself. It will probably be ugly and disturbing even. However, that is the exact point I am trying to make. I want to make an artwork dedicated to the ugly and disturbing truths each of us keep hidden from others. An artwork dedicated to our inner demons that we hide inside out of shame.
In the past, I hated that part of myself. After all I was supposed to be the good friend that always listened to others empathetically, always checked up on others to see if they needed help, and who rarely said no to favors or requests. Yet, there was a dark part of me that secretly held a lot of envy and hatred towards others because they were better than I was whether it was in terms of looks, career success, social status, or just better at a certain skill I cared about. I kept this side hidden throughout my whole life and I was planning to bury this secret to the grave with me.
However, throughout my 8 months of deployment so far, I had a lot of time to reflect and learn about myself. A lot of dark pasts I kept hidden from myself because they were too painful yet they still influenced my actions. As a result, I decided to be honest about the kind of man. I care deeply about my close friends, my older sister, and my younger brother and I can't continue lying to them so I decided to tell them the truth about who I am really.
