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97. Who’s the one person you can turn to when everything seems to go wrong? (05/20/2023)

My older sister, Ela Didi. I cannot go to my dad or my mom because doing so will mean that I have to admit I am incapable of taking care of myself and unable to be a full-fledged adult. At that point, I might just kill myself out of embarrassment. I can’t live with them because we constantly get into arguments about the way I should live. I hate constantly being lectured and judged. My older sister is more understanding and has a better grasp of what I am going through. If I fuck up or seem lost, she is my go-to-person for life advice. If I need help, I can crash her place and sleep there for a few nights while I figure out my situation.

I want to be like her. I want to be someone both understanding and capable of helping others who are in crisis whether its my close friend or family member. I want to be reliable. I hate feeling useless. My parents told me since I was a kid that those who don’t benefit society don’t deserve to exist. Maybe the reason for why I am always helpful and volunteering is to ward off that feeling of being a parasite to society which is better off dead. However, there is also the part of me that deeply cares about other and their well-being. It’s a mix of selfishness and selflessness.