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61 Write about one thing you learned this week. (04/20/2023)

My favorite animated series is "Cyberpunk 2077: Edge runners". After finishing the 10-episode series, I was depressed for a few days because I was contemplating the meaning of life. In entertainment whether it's in movies or books, we say it's a bad ending if the protagonist dies in the end and it's a good ending if the protagonist lives at the end of the story. I realized something, there is no such thing as a good ending. Eventually, even after the story is over with the "good ending", the protagonist will eventually die as time goes on. There is only one guarantee in life, death.
Realizing that made me depressed. All good endings eventually lead to a bad ending. Everything we did, everyone we know will be gone with our deaths. What will our legacy mean if we are not alive to see it. It doesn't matter whether we were a saint who helped millions or a monster who slaughtered thousands. None of it will matter because we are dead. Who cares if the future generations hate you, love you, or don't even remember you. You are dead already.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't conscious so that I would avoid having existential crisis like this.
So why am I still alive and I haven't killed myself yet? I hate living but I am also too scared to die. I am afraid of losing everything I love, my dreams, my friends, and family. They too will be gone with me eventually. Nothing matters in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't matter if you live your whole life and die for yourself, your country, your family, or your friends because they will be gone too.
Why do I still exist then? Why?
I contemplated hoping for an answer, and I found nothing. I wasn't born for a reason. I was just born, that's it. I am the result of the infinite random chaos of the entire universe where everything is constantly interacting with one another. I was made the same way an asteroid struck Earth or a massive volcanic eruption wiped out the dinosaurs, by chance. I am not special; I am just another human being like the other 8 billion people on this planet.
Realizing that nothing matters, and I am here for no reason other than chance, I am lost on where to go from here. Sure, I could kill myself this instant and it would make no difference. Yet, a part of me still wants to live and enjoy life and what it has to offer. It wants me to live for the sake of living, no other reason.
A bad ending awaits me in the future. I still have dreams and things I want to accomplish. I want to help my friends, I want to apologize to all the people I have hurt, and I want to show my brother what it means to be a man. I want to have fun, explore Japan with my friends, learn what it's like to love someone, and to help other hopeless individuals like me.
After I am done with all that, maybe my death won't feel as bad of an ending anymore. Dying would still suck, but if I die right now without having achieved anything, then it would suck way more.