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62 What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done? (04/23/2023)

Opening up for the first time.

It was during April 2022. Me and my girlfriend, Susan (now ex) went to check out the Cherry Blossom Festival in San Francisco's Japan-town. We took the train there and checked out the shops. We watched different events consisting of Japanese drumming, traditional dance, and anime cosplay competition. There were also lots of Shiba-Inus and I took a picture of her while she was petting it. I gave the polaroid to her as a gift. We then ate Takoyaki and mochi donuts. Then we headed for the pier.
For some context, before I meet with someone, I usually write down stuff to say or questions to ask related to their interests. There is always going to be silence during our hangouts so I want to use that opportunity to know each other better. For example, if I am going to the beach with someone, I might write about the first time I learned to swim in the beach so I could tell that story to them in person.
Throughout the trip, I was telling stories about the many times I went to Little Tokyo with my friends to keep visiting the same bookstore. We would look around and read Manga of anime we have watched like Demon Slayer. We would go to the corner section and try to understand what the Japanese books are about when there are no pictures and we can't read a single word of Japanese. Occasionally, me and my friends would tease each other by offering to gift an anime figurine or a Japanese playboy magazine.
We were at the pier just watching the ocean. There was a horde of people recording with their phones as seals were fighting each other and making noises all the time. Most were sleeping but a few were constantly tackling each other off the platform and into the ocean. The seals would get back up only to continue the fighting over and over again. After watching the seals, I looked at Susan and told her that the seals reminded me of myself during Covid. Everyday I would wake up in the same room, eat there, work there, and sleep there. This went on for a year and I slowly went mad. Everyday was the same, time no longer made sense. There was no past of a happy life, nor a future with a better one, just the present life of prison. Life was pain and death seemed like relief. A part of me believed that the future wasn't worth suffering for. That was the time where I harmed myself for the first time with a fork when me and my family's argument escalated. I wasn't happy, my family wasn't happy, so why not end it all. Since then, I have been in a much better state and have gone to therapy. However, a part of me is still wonders at time if living is really worth it.
As I said those words, tears were rolling down my eyes. Initially, she was shocked because this was the first time I have acted like this compared to my usual calm and goofy self. I then grabbed her hand, and while touching her scars, I told her that she has been through some things too and I don't judge her for who she is. She became relieved and she told me about her childhood as well. After that, I kissed her in the cheek.
As we were going home, we were both holding hands. Before this, I barely had any physical interaction with her other than a hug. However, now, it seemed natural. There wasn't any resistance or fear within me. I trusted her and I didn't have to pretend to be someone I wasn't.


63 What’s something new you’ve recently found interest in? (04/23/2023)

Nothing new. For the past 10 days I have been watching Attack on Titan from start to finish. After finishing it, it's my second favorite anime right after Cyberpunk 2077: Edge runners. Now that I am done with it, I am back to writing these self-reflection prompts almost everyday. I have some movies to finish and some games as well. Now that Ramadhan is over, I can go off base and travel. I plan to explore the different tourist destinations in Jordan such as Petra and the Dead Sea. Before I go on these trips, I will watch documentaries and do some readings on them. I will have something to talk about and I won't look like the uncultured baboon I am. Since I finished my Norwegian Ruck and my legs have healed, I will resume running. Before, I used to run to lose weight but now I just run for fun because I am trying to gain muscle mass. Other than that, there is nothing new.