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59 How do you deal with your emotions and how could you control them better? (04/19/2023)

When I am angry, sad, or depressed, I swear a lot. I write out all my intrusive thoughts and that calms me down. If it's night time, I take long walks outside. While walking, I keep arguing in my head and whenever I feel frustrated, I let out a loud "FUCK!" or "DAMMIT!" before I look around to see if anyone heard me. I take a lot of deep breaths and often look up at the night sky. As I stare at the stars, I curse god or whoever is watching me from above for making me suffer.
Before, I had a bad habit of punching walls out of anger. If I was really mad, one strong punch was all it took. Most of the time, the wall wasn't damaged but my middle and ring finger knuckles were either grey, red, or bleeding a little from the punch. With the first jolt of pain, I often shouted or I hid it with a deep breath to let me handle the pain. Back then, punching walls seemed cool because of how they did it in action movies. Now, I look like an idiot with my bruised knuckles. Every now and then, I would also throw my phone on the floor or at the wall. My previous phone, the Motorola E5, had a tough case which made it twice as large but almost indestructible. I could use it as a hammer and it wouldn't break. My new phone is an iPhone11, and it has a transparent silicone case. It can withstand drops but if I threw it like a baseball, it certainly would crack so I don't abuse my phone anymore. My first laptop I broke because the video game kept lagging and 12 year old me, out of frustration punched the screen and cracked it. That was my worst anger outburst so far. I am physically less violent with anger and just more verbal with it which is more safe for myself and the people around me.
As of now, it doesn't seem that bad.
For sadness, I just like to cry it out and it helps reduce the pain significantly. However, there was a point where I cried so much during my first semester at university that no matter how much my heart hurt, I couldn't cry. That made me frustrated as I just wanted to get rid of the pain, cry it out, and move on with my life.
Snacking is a bad habit of mine. Whenever I am stressed or even bored, I feel a strong urge to snack. I am already hungry most of the time because I am cutting calories to get lean. The stress and boredom triggers an image of my favorite snacks: haribo gummy colas, smash noodles with spicy rice cake flavor, and crispy protein bars. Once that image is in my head, its hard to get rid of. I usually end up snacking as a result.
As for loneliness, a productive way I deal with it is also through journaling and walking. However, I also doom scroll a lot through Instagram, Facebook, and Youtube. I spend more time scrolling looking for something entertaining to get my mind off that lonely feeling rather than actually watching something.
I don't plan to improve any of my coping habits in the near future. However, my emotions are more stable as well. As I am getting older and more mature, I stopped caring about a lot of things. I realized that I will never save the world. I stopped worrying about the environment or about some developing country because I got personal issues of my own to deal with. I also accepted that people have very different viewpoints from me and that's ok. It doesn't mean I am wrong and they are right. It just means, we see the world differently because we all grew up with different environments and are surrounded by different circumstances. As a result, I can't expect others to agree with everything I say. That's why I don't get as mad or stressed when people disagree with me. I just accept it and move on.

60 What’re you most grateful for in your life right now? (04/19/2023)

It's hard to choose when I am grateful for multiple things throughout my life. However, if there was one thing I could keep, my gender. I am a guy.
Let's start with dating. Today, it's usually the guy that asks out the girl. Guys are usually expected to make the first moves whether its in starting a conversation, asking someone out, first kiss, sex, marriage, etc. Guys who lack confidence in initiation often fail in the dating world as a result. On the flip side, girls' main role is to be attractive whether its in looks, personality, intelligence, etc. For the most part, girls give hints and wait for a guy to initiate. As a result, confidence isn't necessary for girls to be successful, attractiveness is. Guys as attractive as they can be, won't be successful without any confidence. As a result, guys have to become comfortable with the idea of rejection and making a fool out of themselves. If the girl says no, almost everyone in your circle will know and its embarrassing knowing you got rejected. However, that embarrassment and social pain builds further confidence as you already got a taste of the pain of rejection. Guys also have choosing power because they are the ones that ask out the girl. For the most part, girls can give all the hints in the world but if the guy doesn't ask them out, they won't be in a relationship. It's a lot more difficult and painful dating as a guy, especially when you are starting out and all you get is rejection after rejection. However, you also gain confidence and grow as a person and you have more control over your dating prospects. This also bleeds into other areas of our life. We as men are often more demanding as a result. We are more likely to ask for promotions and negotiate harder for our worth when it comes to our jobs. We are also very competitive and often pursue self-improvement to surpass other people.
Another thing I love about being a guy is age. I grew up with high social anxiety and that hindered a lot of my social development which made my social anxiety even worse as I was struggling to communicate with my peers. I am also immature in some ways because I grew up watching anime and comic books. Even now, I still play video games. I also have a baby face which makes me look 4 years younger than the average male adult of my age. As a result, I have way more time to explore and have fun before I settle down to get married. Men on average get married at 31 years old while women get married at 29 years old. Men's desirability increases with age till mid 30s while women's desirability peaks at their early 20s. While it does suck to be looking like I just graduated high school, at least time is on my side in terms of physical appearance.
There is also this brotherhood to men. We men easily bond and do stupid shit together whether its me and my 2nd grade buddies pissing at my neighbor's wall in Nepal, me and my best friend making jokes and causing a ruckus in class at 5th grade, or me and my college friends going into a forest at midnight to search for a lighthouse with nothing but our flashlights as we walk through unmanned terrain. I also had the same experience in the army where me and my battle buddies did stupid shit like dropkicking each other with IOTVs on or rolling down a grassy hill together. We are all monkeys and idiots together and I love it.
Girls also have a sisterhood but they aren't as wild and dumb as we are. They are more thoughtful and caring about each other but it's very rare for them to do the stupid shit we do.
So yeah, that's why I am grateful being a guy.