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55 What’ve you always wanted to try but never got around to? (04/17/2023)

Walking.
I have been dreaming of just walking and exploring new places but I always end up walking the same route with headphones on for about an hour or so. What I want to do is wake up before sunrise and start walking a certain direction, somewhere I have never been before. I want to walk the whole day, see what secrets the city has to offer. If I see anything interesting, I will take pictures of it. I want to keep exploring until the sun comes down. I have never done that in my 22 years of life. This is a nice addition to my bucket list. From my imperfect memory, the farthest I have walked was maybe 6 miles because I walked from my home to his which took me almost 2 hours.
There was another idea I had for almost a month. There is an abandoned area on our base where the previous dorms used to be. Now it's mainly flat with the concrete floor and the scraps of metal left behind. At the edge of the wall, there was always a lighted area behind a stack of T-walls. I am a curious person so I always wanted to check it out. However, each time I tried to, fear filled my body. A part of me wondered, what if the ground has IEDs or mines? There were no warning signs but the fear of the unknown kept me from going there. There is nothing in that area other than the mess, old bunkers, and the small light in a pitch-black area.
Tonight, the sky was filled with dark clouds and strings of lightning. As I was recording the skies, I thought about this prompt and decided to walk there. While walking towards the light, I had my flashlight on as I was looking at the ground for any strange bumps or objects. I reached the light which turned out to be an old designated smoking area hidden behind T-walls. A part of me was relieved that I wasn't hurt. I explored the rest of the area and found an old outpost which I climbed on and took pictures of. Then I found abandoned tents with old lockers, tables, and linen stored in boxes. I even found an abandoned latrine which had no lights on. I am not going in there alone at night for now at least. It was quite the experience overcoming my fear and going on a mini adventure.



56 What’s the one thing you think you can only accomplish with the support of others? (04/17/2023)

Enjoying life.
There are a lot of times where I want to be alone to explore, relax, and reflect. However, if I spend the majority of life by myself, I will be miserable.
For example, one of my favorite video games, Left 4 Dead 2. Sure, I can play it by myself and loads of mods but nothing beats playing it with some of my old buddies. There are single-player games out there but they feel temporary. They are only good for one to three playthroughs before I feel bored. Playing with other people brings its own sets of challenges that change with each game, each match, and each person. I have the same viewpoint towards life. I would hate my life and prefer blowing my own head off rather than spending it alone. That's what it was like during Covid. Almost little to no human interaction and my sanity growing worse and worse each day. It was living a nightmare only for me to sleep and wake up back into it.
As much as I hate being lonely, my ego demands it. Only when I am alone and away from others can I self-improve the most. There are no distractions, just me and my thoughts alone. All faults and mistakes are my own. I just wanted a peaceful life just relaxing, playing games, and enjoying life with my friends. However, there is this growing ego inside of me that wants to prove others wrong in everything I failed at growing up whether its in looks, career, relationships, status, fitness, intelligence, life experience, everything. My past of growing up as a nobody at the bottom scarred me with fear that I will remain as a nobody till the day I die. That fear pushes me away from others so that I can focus on "self-improvement" or whatever the fuck that means anymore. I am competing against everyone else in a race only I am aware of. When others get in my way, I am filled with anger as they are preventing from me succeeding in life. The worst part is, I don't even know if I will ever be satisfied with my self-improvement progress. Even if I do become satisfied, will the relationships with my friends and family be repparable after all the damage I do it?
Ironic isn't it? I do self-improvement because it will make me more successful which will make me more happy. Yet, in order to self-improve, I push myself away from my friends and family, the very things that give my life happiness. What have I gotten myself into? My pride is too big to let my fear of failure and disappointment go away, yet my heart just wants to relax and be happy in this one life I have.