45

45 If you could change one thing in your life now, what would it be? (04/10/2023)

One thing. Initially, my first thoughts were, I want infinite metabolism so that I can eat everything without being fat. My next thought was infinite money so that I could stop working and do whatever and go wherever I want at any time. Well, most of these wishes are unrealistic. However, my desires of slimming down and having a better work life balance are not.
I did have one more thing I want to change. As stupid as it sounds, I want to have almost no filter at all. The main issue I have is that I don't often say things I want to say because I care too much about what others think. It could be me not speaking up about something I don't like or not making a compliment. I overthink myself into inaction. Thankfully, I have a solution, alcohol. Alcohol stops me from overthinking and lets me get out my thoughts way easier with little hesitation. The only downside is that I am incapable of doing work because I am drunk. My goal for the next few years after I get home is to be drinking almost every night that I am free and go out into parties to boost my social skills. One day, I won't have to use alcohol because I will have been used to being bluntly honest most of the time.
Many of my regrets and self-hatred stem from my inability to express myself clearly so that would be the one thing I want to change. Alcohol is only a temporary solution. At some point, I will have to see a therapist too to untangle the mess of a life I have. In the meantime, I am just doing this. Lots and lots of journaling focused around self-reflection. Even though it gets monotonous at times doing it everyday, it has helped me be a little bit more honest around others. I do feel slightly more confident as I get to know myself better as I am constantly looking back and noticing things that I didn't back then.