136, 137, 138, 139, and 140

136. When was the one time you felt truly free? (07/08/2023)

When I was 7 years old and still living in Nepal. Both of my parents were still working in Hong Kong while I was living with my aunt and cousins. They didn't care what I did whether it was me ditching my classes to play in the empty school playground or just taking a walk around the neighborhood in my school uniform. My teachers couldn't do anything because neither of my parents were here and my aunt never disciplined me. I was free in that I could do whatever I wanted to. If I wanted to study, I could go to class or read books at home but if I was bored I could just take a walk or play GTA Vice City on my cousin's Windows XP PC. I had no responsibilities like washing dishes or cleaning the house. It was fun doing nothing and watching the grass fields and moving traffic from the balcony.

However, I also felt alone most of the time. I was always by myself on my adventures. All my other friends were either in class or doing homework while I was playing by myself. They were stressed about doing good grades and making their parents proud while I had no care in the world. We lived in two different worlds and I felt disconnected from others.

Now that I think about it, this is what awaits me. As I try to reclaim my freedom in expressing myself honestly, I will also experience loneliness because others will label me as weird because most people don't do that. With each person, I have to make a choice whether to risk our friendships by being myself honestly or continue with safe topics to maintain the superficial friendships I have made over the years.

137. Describe your perfect day. (07/08/2023)

I think a perfect day would be a day where I get all my tasks done in the day and I get to have fun at night. I don't end up feeling guilty about being lazy or procrastinating because I have finished all the necessary tasks for that day. It's simple and boring but if it makes me content, then that would be a perfect day.

Perfect days are unicorn rare for me because I procrastinate 99% of the time on my tasks and they often bleed into my fun time. I spend hours scrolling through social media watching videos that don't even make me happy. Or I play video games feeling guilty because I haven't finished the tasks I needed to finish. Sometimes new tasks pop up which is mainly my fault because I forget to take into account of everything I needed to do for that day whether its cleaning my home, going on a run, playing with my little brother, Biggyn, cooking lunch for the family, or catching up on my journaling.

I don't need to be 100% happy for a perfect day, I just want to feel satisfied knowing that I used this day productively.

Why do I procrastinate?

I procrastinate because I want to do a perfect job in whatever I do whether its writing a 15 page research paper or organizing a friend hangout. However, the fear of doing a subpar job makes me avoid doing the tasks. I am scared of the reality that I might disappoint others or myself by not being perfect. I procrastinate on it until the due date is near. At that point, I can't delay any longer or I risk failing ultimately. However, with the limited time I have, I end up doing a subpar job that is rushed and disorganized. My fear of being imperfect causes me to be imperfect. My fear of making mistakes and failing causes me to make mistakes and fail. I also procrastinate more frequently on tasks that I have little experience in. For example, doing a new workout exercise or writing my autobiography. I am scared of messing up because I have little experience in this field so I procrastinate. However, I have thousands of hours playing video games so I play to avoid feeling incompetent and bruising my ego. It's a negative feedback loop of self-hatred and misery.

138. What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in life? (07/08/2023)

My dad used to tell me "you can lie to everyone but yourself" and he was right. He used to tell me this whenever I lied about playing video games or studying when I was not. He didn't have evidence to prove I was lying but he could see it in my eyes and feel it in my voice whenever I lied. I didn't think too much of this or anything he said back then because he didn't understand me and I didn't understand me due to our different values and upbringings. We lived in two different worlds and wanted different things. His quotes, lessons, and 2 hours lectures were just rambles to me.

This lesson is true and false, but ultimately true in the long-term. Throughout our life, we experience a lot of negative things and as we grow up, we hide those unpleasant memories deep in our minds. Despite being unaware of them, they still influence our actions and values. For me, it was me being betrayed and bullied in 7th grade. I was the weird kid and class clown. I didn't have a care in the world and was happy doing whatever I wanted until my friends betrayed me and beat the shit out of me in the hallway during lunch break. Ever since, I had a deep fear of being judged and abandoned by those around me. So I became super quiet and hid my weird side in hopes that I don't scare off others. I also hid that memory deep inside me until I began journaling a lot in my 2023 deployment and retraced my memories. So, I did lie to myself temporarily but eventually, we will find the truth about ourselves. Only by rediscovering my shitty teenage hood, I understood why I was such a people pleaser in the first place. It explained why I would often imitate others on purpose, listen to others even when I was bored, and speak about topics that others were interested in. I was scared of being betrayed and abandoned again.

For years, I lied to myself about being a good person. I was obsessed with justice and making a positive impact on others and the world. I used to sign multiple listings on change.org and pursued council positions in clubs and governments. I told myself that I am doing this to help others. I pursued self-improvement in hopes that I can be a good role model for my close friends and my little brother, Biggyn. Underneath all that, my main motives were entirely selfish. I cared more about validating myself than anything else. I did all those tasks and positions to show others how successful I could be. I just wanted to prove myself as being superior compared to my teenage-self who was a failure. At the end of the day, I am not a good person. I am just an asshole with selfish goals to validate myself. Doing so helped a lot in not being a people pleaser anymore. I feel more comfortable saying no or requesting something from others.

139. If you could change anything about the world, what would it be? (07/08/2023)

I wouldn't change anything. I don't feel the need to change anything in the world at all. I know the world is one giant clusterfuck full of environmental and political issues. I don't care that much about the world for myself or for my off-springs. I just accepted that the world is fucked so I just focus on what I care about which is myself and the people close to me.

The first thing that comes to mind is world peace. Right now there is a war between Ukraine and Russia going on. It be nice if there was no war in the world. If there were no nuclear weapons or large militaries, then we would have world peace. There might be small conflicts every now and then but it would be contained to political debates over trade agreements. We don't have to worry about getting nuked or being invaded by foreign countries if there was world peace.

The second thing would be to stop climate change and environmental pollution. I hate the summer and extreme weathers. I like a little bit of snow, some rain drizzling, or some sunshine through a layer of clouds. I love mild weathers. I don't like my house being covered with a foot of snow or the roads being flooded from heavy rain. Nor do I like being roasted to a crisp by the glaring sun. As climate change worsens, so will our weathers become more extreme and unbearable to live under. As for environmental pollution, it be nice if we humans found a way to make most of our trash either recyclable or compostable. Swimming in the sea filled with plastic bottles or food wrappers is disgusting. I don't like breathing in smog either from the exhaust pipes of cars or factories. I just want to take a walk outside in nature without having to see a piece of trash or smelling a hint of air pollution.

However, we humans are selfish in our goals and will not sway from our old ways. Even if we could save the world and increase happiness for everyone, we refuse to make sacrifices because we don't want to fall behind our competitors. If I recycle but my neighbors don't, I feel very discouraged in putting the extra effort for the planet. The same goes for war too. If the other countries refuse to abandon their nuclear weapons, why should I too? I only risk losing a war with them by abandoning the military edge I have.

140. When have you felt most complete or whole? (07/08/2023)

What does it mean to feel complete or whole?

I think it means to feel satisfied with what you currently have.

Never. I have never feel complete in my entire life. I always feel like there is something to do in my life. When I solve one problem, another one pops up. Getting into a good university isn't enough. Now I have to excel in my studies, make good connections, and find a good job after graduating. Even after I do all those things, I will create new goals for myself like buying a new home, getting married, and traveling the world. It never ends.

There will always be something we lack in our lives. It is the curse of being human. It is what keeps us moving forward constantly innovating new ideas to improve ourselves. Even with self-driving cars, foods from all over the world, and six-pack physiques, I don't think we are any happier than the cave people from thousands of years ago. They might even be happier because they are ignorant. They don't care about saving for retirement or getting straight As. They just worry about surviving one night and the next. Us on the other hand, we are constantly worried about what to do next because we are always comparing ourselves to others. Even Elon Musk, the top person in the world in terms of success isn't satisfied. There is always something to do. We keep trying to fill that void inside of us but it never gets filled, it just grows and grows.

Being whole does scare me. If I end up feeling complete in life, then I lose all desire to compete. After all, why should I try to improve myself if I am happy with what I have? I might be treated as an outcast for failing to adapt to new trends. I would rather feel incomplete inside than be alone in my state of true happiness.