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135. If the world ended tomorrow, what would I do today? (06/30/2023)
I would say “fuck it!” and book a flight back home in Los Angeles to see my best friends and family one last time. Before I see them, I would buy 22 bottles of soju so that I would be a little tipsy when I walk with them. It makes it a lot easier for me to speak the hard truths about who I am to them. Before I die, I want at least one person to know me without any filters, lies, or secrets. At the end, I was looking for somebody to express myself fully, somebody who can understand me. If I find that somebody, I can live my last day in peace and accept my death.
However, I am my biggest obstacle to that dream. I still have trust issues and resist opening up to others. My own fears prevent me from finding peace and happiness.
Back in reality, if I do find that somebody, what will I do next in my life? Maybe I will begin serving as that understanding person to others who are in the same situation as me. I believe that one of the greatest desires of humans is to both understand and to feel understood. When we lack that, we feel alone and disconnected from others. This reminds me of a speech I made for my communications class. My first speech was on loneliness. I described loneliness as a state of mind. you could be in a party full of coworkers but still feel lonely. On the other hand, you could be by yourself studying for an exam or crafting your Ikea bed with full focus and not feel lonely. In this age of technology and social media, we are more connected yet we feel even more alone.
This is just my theory. In social media, almost everybody can see what you post ranging from text, photos, videos, etc. As a result, you refrain from posting anything too personal or negative. We only upload posts of us having a good time or smiling but we don’t show posts of us struggling or being miserable. As a result, even though we get thousands of likes, comments, and follows, we don’t feel like it applies to us. It only applies to the social media presence we crafted for everybody else. All these people like and accept the Instagram version of me, but not necessarily the real me. It’s a lot easier to be honest and vulnerable with a few close friends in person in contrast to online posts to hundreds of people. Social media just makes us feel alone but it also takes time and effort away from making real connections in person. It’s a struggle out there.
How do I get over my fear of being vulnerable? What I have in mind is increasing social interactions, making myself more attractive, and drinking more alcohol. I don’t think there is a magic pill in being vulnerable. It’s going to take a lot of practice.
1) Making myself more attractive. The more attractive I am, the more people will come up to me. Some things I can improve on: having a good hairstyle (wavy hair?), being more lean and muscular, cleaning my face and makeup, and good fashion for a mature young adult.
2) Increasing social interactions. That means I would go out more to social events whether it’s club events or group hangouts. Alongside going out more, I have to be more active in social interactions. Instead of standing in the corner of the party room, I should be going up to people and talking to strangers.
3) Drinking more alcohol. More alcohol means less fear and more talking. As long as I am not fully drunk, it should help me be more vulnerable.
