141,142,143,144
141. Describe a beautiful place you’ve been. (07/11/2023)
It would be the friendship giving tree on UC Berkeley campus. I have been in gardens with more exotic trees that are well-maintained each day. I paid $50 to look at them and relax in my weekends. The friendship giving tree isn't pretty by itself. It looks like any other tree you find in a school playground or on the street sidewalk. What makes it beautiful is all the decorations UC Berkeley students gave it. In almost every low-hanging branch of the tree, students have tied small strips of cloth, masks, or small bookmarks. In each of them, there are written words of encouragement such as "Today is a better day" to words of affirmation like "You are loved". Even though the world can be cuttthroat because all of us are competing with each other whether its in getting the best exam score, securing a job position, or dating someone. The friendship giving tree highlights the community aspect of humanity. Despite our competition, we are all UC Berkeley students at the end of the day. Some of us were born outside the US and immigrated here, others were in California since Day 1, and we have many international students from China, UK, France, Brazil, etc who wants to get a good education as well. Almost all of us have our anxieties and hopes as we have late nights parties to celebrate our declining youth and late night studies to save our grades during finals weeks. There is a beautiful feeling of unity in all of this shared struggle. What makes the friendship giving tree isn't necessarily the colorful banners of encouragement, but rather what it all represents, us UC Berkeley students.
142. What’re things that give you a sense of purpose? (07/11/2023)
My edginess.
To me, a sense of purpose is something that keeps me wanting me to live despite all of suffering. Initially, I thought it was to make the world a better place. I dreamt of becoming a doctor and being the first one to cure cancer. Then, I dreamt of becoming a politician and fixing everything that was wrong in this world. A few years ago, it was to become a nurse, help a lot of people, earn a high paycheck, buy my parents a large home, and give my brother a better college education than mine. Now, I realised that all those dreams were entirely selfish. I wanted to cure cancer or be a powerful politician to show others how successful I had become compared to my teenage-self. I wanted to help others and my family because I wanted to feel accepted by them and reduce my chances of being abandoned and left alone.
I was selfish, and I still am now. All I ever wanted was to feel accepted and not useless. Each rejection fueled my edginess and my hatred for others. I was a failure of a son in my parents' eyes, I was a class clown in the eyes of my friends, and I was an ugly deadbeat in the eyes of the girls. The initial spark was during 7th grade, the first year of my secondary school in Po Kok Primary School. My friends betrayed me and beat the shit out of me for being a class clown. My teachers hated me because I was never paying attention in class. My parents hated me because I was a leech. We could have lived in an apartment with an elevator when mom was pregnant and after she gave birth to Biggyn but they had to spend 4000 HKD every month on my semi-private school. I would often hide in my room watching Youtube, playing video games, or reading mangas late nights to forget about all of this. I used to believe in god too but after all of this, I realised that either god didn't exist or he was the biggest asshole of all time. He must be up there in the clouds laughing at me as I suffered. That's when I became an edgelord. My edginess didn't become prominent until I became 17 or 18. That anger and envy was still inside me but I was too scared. I didn't want to make a fool out of myself or lose my friends so I kept quiet most of the time. I hid my malice beneath a mask of timid kindness. Most people saw me as a nice person who was very shy. As time went on and the rejections piled up, both my confidence and anger grew. Slowly, my edginess started creeping out whether it was in my actions or in my words. Some of my close friends noticed it but I played it off as a joke. After being deployed for almost a year and doing a lot of reflection, I accepted this edgy fucked up part of me. I decided to put myself first and became honest in who I am even if it meant risking the friendships I have built over the years. Now, what keeps me going is the day when I can look at old associates and know that I am superior than them in every way and form. Until that day, I will keep grinding and selling my soul to be better than I was in the past.
143. How can you tell you’re in love? (07/11/2023)
Others would say that when you are in love, you want to spend the rest of your life with them. The significant other feels like an important organ that you cannot live without. Whatever imperfections they have such as leaving the toilet seat up, being afraid to kill the bathroom spider, or leaving the dishwasher organized by a crackhead, you just learn to accept as a part of them. You endure all these problems to be with them and they endure some of the problems you create.
I have felt heartbroken a few times and that was due to me "falling in love" with someone. It was during high school and I had some female friends that I was close with. I always had a crush on them so I was in love at that time despite me never having kissed or gone on a date with them. It was one-sided. They probably didn't know I was in love with them but in my teenage mind, I dreamt about spending the rest of my life with them. I have these fantasies where I ask them out to the movies, I kiss them, I have sex with them, we get married after we get full-time jobs, and we have a family and a nice home in Los Angeles. Of course, when I did ask them out and they said no, all of that dream shattered into pieces. I had brainwashed myself into believing I was in love with them and I had serious pains in my heart and chest as a side effect of the rejection. Now, I just ask them out as soon as possible to prevent my fantasies from morphing to that stage. If they say no, my fantasy ends and I move on with my life. If they say yes, my fantasies weaken as I get a realistic taste of dating them(trying to find a free time in our schedules, searching up places to date, and trying to be social even when I am naturally introverted).
144. How have your priorities changed over time? What’s influenced those changes? (07/11/2023)
I have become more self-centered with time.
In the past, I was a serial people pleaser. My main goals was to impress and be liked by everyone. I would carry in my wallet bandaids or bring with me mints so that other people could use them. That way, whenever they needed anything, they would rely on me and see me as important. Whenever they needed someone to talk to or get advice from, I was always available to them whether it was for revising their college essays or during a time of crisis. However, this often backfired as I devoted most of my free time and energy to others. I put myself in a situation where I constantly felt like a slave to others. They would never see me as an equal, just as a tool to benefit them. Being nice and helpful didn't stop me from being rejected by others. I had little time to focus on myself so I always felt like a kid. Everyone loved my enthusiasm but they never respected me as somebody with potential or actual skills.
That feeling of always being inferior to others branded me with a desire to change and be superior to everyone else. The first major event was when I attempted suicide for the first time. After my parents called me "worthless" multiple times, the pain of rejection and the feeling that nothing I did mattered made me drive the fork into my left wrist. After that event, I have been slighlty more suicidal and depressed, but it made me care a lot less about others. I kept telling myself, I almost died that day and at the end of it all, nothing really matters. All those people I please and help, they are all going to die and I will die as well. Whatever we do no matter how big or small will eventually be forgotten and buried with the waves of time. The realization of my own mortality helped me focus more on myself.
The second event was me joining the US Army. Along with the realization of my own mortality, I wanted to live a life with as little regrets as possible. I wanted to do things I wanted to do without any hesitation. So when the US Army called, I joined the Army. I knew that someday when I am lying on my death bed, I would regret not joining the military in this one life I had. That fear of regret made me do it. I also wanted to get ahead of my peers by adding something onto my life resume that none of them had. In the US Army, I became more of an asshole and more disobedient. In the military, you are expected to follow orders from your superiors even if you know they might be wrong. I realized that doing so prevented me from taking responsiblity and growing as a person. I hated myself for blindly following the advices of my parents, relatives, and friends rather than making decisions on my own. That was one big reason why I was still a kid and not a man.
The third event was going to UC Berkeley for the first semester. Right after advanced individual training ended for the US Army, I went straight to Berkeley to start my spring classes. I was two weeks late and figuring out university and adult life on my own for the very first time. Almost all my friends and family were back in LA. It was difficult initially because I felt like I wasn't smart enough for this. I accepted my shortcomings and asked for help. I went to tutoring almost everyday and asked my smarter classmates for help. By some miracle, I got A- on 3 out of 4 classes with a B on my fourth. I was not expecting this good of a result. I also changed a lot socially. Being away from everyone allowed me to grow on my own. I made a lot of stupid mistakes but I also matured a lot from it. This was exactly what I was missing my entire life. I didn't feel like the same pitiful Biraj from a year ago. I felt powerful in the sense that anything was possible whether I wanted to be successful, be lean, or get a girfriend. That boost of ego also made me more self-centered because I just wanted to improve myself as much as possible.
The last event was me being deployed for 10 months. This was the event that changed me the most. Being away from everyone in a deserted place with nothing to do was the perfect environment for self-improvement. I also started self-reflecting a lot through journaling. I rummaged through old memories to find out why I am the way I am today. There were a lot of painful events I had kept hidden from myself. I thought I had moved on from it all but I was wrong. Even though I had forgotten them temporarily, they still influenced my actions and feelings from the shadows. I accepted a lot of hard truths which helped me become more selfish and focused. I realized that I didn't care or know about most things in the world and that was okay because I want to spend my time on the things I give a shit about. I stopped reading the news and social media because it rarely affected me and used that time for either fun or self-improvement. I also became more of an asshole. I had an easier time saying no and upsetting others if it was to benefit myself. I pissed off two girls and one of my friends in the army because I got promoted instead of them. I accepted the gift and didn't feel guilty even when they talked shit behind my back for it. Another realization was to stop being a simp. I used to be helpful to everyone because I wanted to be friends with everybody. However, the girls I liked, they didn't see me as dating material no matter how helpful or proficient I was. This bitter dose of reality made me stop being so helpful and focus more on myself. I realized that if all I did was help and please others, I would only fall behind and reamin angry and envious on the inside. So I decided to become a self-centered asshole instead who is obsessed with self-improvement.
