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13 What was the best part of your day? (03/11/2023)

My date pulled out last minute so with nothing to do at night, I went on a walk around my base. It had recently rained so most of the roads were either wet or slippery. With no flashlight on hand, I was walking on dimly lit paths filled with puddles and small rocks. I love night walks more than anything. They are my only source of therapy other than going to actual therapy. I get a moment to just slow down, relax, enjoy the scenery of empty desert lands, and reflect. I first thought about Chainsaw Man. Initially, I started watching the show because of the main character. In some ways, I related to him. I always felt like a dog my whole life. That's the way I was raised, always to be obedient and follow others. If I disobeyed, I would get scolded, punished, or kicked out of the house. I learned to be obedient not because I loved my parents, but because I feared them.

Even outside home, I felt like a dog and I ended up supporting my own behavior. I would always go out of my way to be helpful to others and listening to them because that was the right thing to do. I had a reputation of rarely saying no to favors and requests from others. I also have a baby face so I had a golden retriever vibe. At 7th grade in Hong Kong, I was in a marching band. One of the senior students thought I was cute so she made me her pet. She would always rub my head and hold my cheeks. For some reason, I went along with it because I didn't see an issue. Whenever she called my name, I would go towards her. I still can't believe I did that. In one sense, having a dog-like personality helped me become friends with others super easily. However, it feels embarrassing knowing everyone treats you like a dog, like a pet. That's the only thing I am good for is being cute and helpful. I am always a follower and never a leader. I always ended up putting others first and I suffer as a result.