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118. If you could change one thing in your personal life, what would it be? Why haven’t you made that change yet? (06/12/2023)
I wish I was more social. More than 2 years ago, I downloaded some dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, but I never got past the profile creation. On the surface level, it may look like laziness, but it's because I am scared of being judged online by other girls. I am scared of the truth that I may not be attractive or interesting as I think I am. That may be the same reason as to why I never go up to a cute girl unless I am drunk.
The easy short-term solution is to drink more because it makes me stop overthinking and the self-arguments in my head. The hard long-term solution is to admit the hard truths. Maybe I am not as amazing as I think I am. Despite all the books and videos I have studied on social interactions, I have little to zero experience. I write lines and lines about myself to use in conversation but I never end up using them in real life. When I am talking with someone, I have difficulty maintaining eye contact. Maybe I am exhausted or part of me has become hopeless. I might never become a fully sociable person. I might never have that confident charisma that most other guys have. Yet, I still try.
My biggest fear is asking out girls. When I am at a tea party, and I see a cute girl, I am scared of walking up to her. I am even more scared when her friends are there. By walking up to her and trying to make conversation, I am making myself look like an idiot in front of everyone. I will probably stutter my words and my voice will feel cranky as I force out my words. My biggest fear is not necessarily the rejection, but what everyone else thinks of me. That has been very present most of my life. That's the biggest reason why I don't ask for favors because I don't want others to see me as incompetent. When I am drunk, I don't care if others think I am an idiot or not. This is another change I want, to be free form others' judgements. Growing up as a people pleaser, this is very difficult to break free from. Only now, have I begun to read books on how to stop people pleasing, but I have a long way to go.
