117 + Extra Notes

117. How has your life changed for the better in the last three months? How has it changed for the worse? (06/10/2023)

Starting from March 1st, 2023.

It was during March when I got rotated from Kuwait to Jordan. I loved the new work environment where we worked in the airport, picking up passengers and dropping them off. It was during this time, where I matured personally. Before this, where I worked in Qatar, I grew a lot work-wise. I took on every job I could just to be more useful and confident in my workspace. I didn't want to be remembered as the retard who hit his head on a parking sign. I wanted to be someone capable. I was constantly on the move from one thing to the next. However, I didn't take time to stop and re-evaluate everything.

In Jordan, we had a lot of free time so I decided to change up my journaling. I originally intended to redo the 365 creative writing prompts like I did in 2022. However, I don't think I dived too deep into myself when writing because I could answer them with surface-level stuff like what's my favorite weather or my fantasy of riding a train everywhere. So, I went to a different website and chose 365 prompts specifically for self-reflection which I am still continuing today. So far, I have learned a lot of things about myself which I kept hidden. Sometimes I cried when writing those prompts because of all the embarrassing and painful memories. However, it helped me mature and be more confident. That's the main improvement.

My physical health has gotten worse. My sleep schedule is all over the place. My vision and hearing is gradually getting worse. My joints hurt occasionally. I have to get a checkup at some point. Other than that, that's it.

Extra Notes: Why do you hesitate? (06/10/2023)

I wrote this extra prompt for myself two weeks ago but I avoided answering it. Alongside the question, I also wrote, “Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it. This has been going on for 22 years. I don’t want to live like a slave or a dog for the rest of my life.” Before I created this prompt, I had recently accepted some of my darker thoughts, specifically with my desire to overcompensate and to become and edgelord. I also chose to come clean to my friends and family about who I am. I was exhausted and still in pain after looking back on painful memories. I didn’t want to do it again but the prompt requires it. So, I kept procrastinating on it, over and over again. Today, after having finished Elden Ring and watched the first Godfather, I took my notebook to the local coffee shop with a 80 minute timer. I can’t run away now.

Why do I hesitate?

I am scared of people abandoning me if I make them upset. I do whatever it takes to make them happy whether it’s by doing them favors, listening when I am bored, or always pointing out our similarities and agreeing with them before I bring up my opposing argument.

I have always garnered a reputation of being the nice guy friend wherever I go. I would almost never say no to whoever needed help. I would always listen and never insult others. I would never take advantage of anybody. Even my face and glasses give off the nerdy kid vibe. I became a master at people pleasing. I learned how to make people feel good when they were around me. That’s how I made most of my friends.

You know who else is a master at people pleasing, dogs, man’s best friend. I read books on how to make friends because deep inside me, I am still paranoid. I still fear that I will end up lonely with nobody to talk to. So, I read articles, books, and watch videos on how to be a good listener and not upset others. Even in Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Make Friends”, he takes inspiration from dogs for his lessons.

At the end of the day, I got what I wanted, friends that wanted to be around me. However, I also lost something important, my freedom. Since, I created the reputation of being a nice reliable friend, it became expected of me. It hurts for me to say no to offers because that changed their perception of me. I have to constantly put in effort to maintain that reputation. I just want to relax and be left alone, but I don’t want to be lonely either.

The main conflict I have right now is that I want to continue to be a great friend for others because I genuinely care about them, but I also want my freedom back. I want to help others because I want to, not because I am expected to. I also want to be more honest and open around others.

To summarize (repeating myself), I want to be more honest (do and say what I want without hesitation or stopping) and I want to be a great friend by choice (listening, helpful, fun, etc). Now that I think about it, they don’t necessarily cancel each other out. I think the main issue is, I have trouble setting up healthy boundaries for myself.

I started thinking about, what is a healthy boundary. Then, I realized, I never learned about healthy boundaries. I think a healthy boundary is a barrier that protects your freedom of self-expression and self-act from others. Growing up, healthy boundaries were never a priority. The main priority in our culture was service to your family, community, and culture. You weren’t just an individual being, you were like a singular cell who sole purpose was to operate well with other cells like yourselves to keep the body running well. To be blunt, healthy boundaries and freedom are privileges. Who gives a shit about those things when you are worried about starving to death or not creating enough children to continue your bloodline. Well, I am in America in the 21st Century and I have become an entitled brat who wants to set up healthy boundaries. And yes, like all my other major issues, dating is involved in this as well. I let others’ expectations of me get in the way of dating. Everybody expects me to be a nice guy but if I ask someone out, I may not be nice anymore, I will just be the random weirdo. If I don’t ask them out and remain single, I will just be a coward who can’t man up. I have become a slave to my own reputation.

I tried to think of a time when this all started, but then I realized, I was always like this even as a kid before I got bullied. It is in my human nature to be a people pleaser. I am constantly trying to impress others. The main issue is having healthy boundaries. I ended up going full circle on this one.

I have no idea how to set up healthy boundaries. So in the meantime, I will read books on those and increase my alcohol consumption because it makes me stop thinking about others’ opinions of me.

Cheers to that.