Important
Written 10/29/2023
My head is still hurting from last night's excessive drinking and partying. I did two major things yesterday, watched Suzume, and got extremely drunk at the Halloween CJC party. Watching Suzume made me realize what I have been missing out on, my favorite thing to do in this world: adventure. I have been so caught up with school, careers, and friends that I forgot to go on adventures on my own.
It also made me realize something for the first time in 12 years. Ever since 7th grade, I always blamed my 7th-grade friends who betrayed me, my parents, and my peers, who rejected me as the sole reason why my confidence was gone. I blamed them for robbing me of my confidence and self-esteem. So I held a great fear and hatred towards others wishing for happy people to suffer like I did. However, only now did I realize that what I had back then wasn't confidence, it was ignorance. I was only confident because I didn't realize the ugly truths of this world. Most people in this world won't accept me for who I am, nice people's fate is only to be abused by others, everyone's action is selfish to an extent, nothing matters objectively, and there is no such thing as karma. I couldn't handle the truth so I lay in fear and envy. The beautiful vision of the world I had was shattered. Rather than accepting the truth, I blamed the world for being unfair.
During the party, I drank a lot to the point where my eyes were constantly falling asleep because of how intoxicated I was. I made the excuse that drinking helps me be more confident. Only now did I realize that was a lie. It didn't make me more confident, it made me ignorant, the same ignorant I was before 7th grade. Courage is doing something despite my fears. When I was drunk, my fears were suppressed. I wasn't being brave, I was being a fool because of the alcohol.
One of my favorite quotes is "he who has no fear, has no courage". I wanted to be a confident person by overcoming my fears but drinking only made me run away from them. I am still the same coward I was years ago where I would avoid my problems by not taking on responsibility.
I won't be drinking for some time but I know my dream now.
I want to be able to look at this indifferent world and still smile from my heart knowing I will be okay no matter what I do.
