Article (09/26) and Professor dr Winston Tsing (09/28)
For my Asian American Health Course. I had to read and write a summary plus a reflection on an article about women’s health. I searched for Asian American women's health articles on Google. I read “Fractured Identity: A Framework for understanding young Asian American women’s Self-harm and suicidal behaviors”.
In the article, the asian american women were living in two worlds. At home, they were expected to be the perfect Asian daughter but American society wanted them to be independent and empowered. Feeling suffocated by the perfect Asian daughter identity, they often engage in risky behaviors like drugs, alcohol abuse, and bad boyfriends while still dreaming of being a good daughter. They often feel guilty and engage in self-harm due to feeling like they have little freedom.
I started thinking about this from my perspective. I was raised to be a nice guy ever since birth, to be a gentleman. I often feel happy helping others in need. However, nobody takes you seriously. Most people only take advantage of me because they know I am nice and won't refuse to help them. Even if we get taken advantage of or get mistreated, we brush it off and endure it to maintain our friendship and nice guy status. I wanted to feel important. However, I also want to be validated romantically but when you are a nice guy, you just end up being a friend. You aren't seen as dating material because who would want to date someone who can't stand up for themself? I started resent everyone because this is what I was taught and I am suffering for it while everyone gets to be happy except me. I feel suffocated by this nice guy personality. I never chose to be a nice guy, I was raised to become one.
That's when the edginess starts popping up. The desire to hurt others, manipulate them, and make them feel the same pain we have. I dream about it, I fantasize about it. Only by hurting others I can be free and escape this nice guy persona I am chained to. Only then does justice and karma exist in this world. When I hurt Nina by refusing to help her, I felt guilty but later on, I also felt proud of myself. Not just in saying no but also in being able to hurt others. That's the way I felt about Tia when I forgot to return her jacket. I felt bad initially, but I also felt a sense of accomplishment in knowing I caused her some pain.
That's why I loved Eren Jaeger. He did the edgiest thing possible which was to do the rumbling and make the rest of the world suffer just like his people did. It's not right but in this world, there is no justice or karma because if there was, then I wouldn't be suffering my whole life now.
I have always envied normal people who look happy. I want them to suffer like I did. Sometimes, I would just stay in the tutoring area on purpose so that there is somebody suffering from a lack of tutoring. I want more suffering in this world and only then justice exists. Fairness exists. Where is my equity?
The only people I have a soft spot for are nice quiet people like me. As the rejections pile on, the invalidation gets higher and higher, and my belief in niceness slowly starts breaking down. Our only fate as nice people is to be abused and manipulated by everyone else. They make us work and they steal our credit. I hate loud people, especially those who are confident as well. I know growing up, I was taught to always help others, promote peace, and not hold grudges against each other. Now, I say fuck all of that. I have lived all of my life suffering while helping others for what, just to be used and tossed away when not needed. The only peace I am promoting is my enslavement. I used to think that everyone deserves to be happy. Now that I have spent most of my life suffering, I believe that most people need to suffer and have their happiness robbed from them. I want them to get depressed, lose their belongings, and lose their loved ones while I get back on top and retrieve my happiness.
Dr Winston Tseng told me that his older brother used to beat him and make him carry his backpack. My professor is a very nice person which is probably why he got abused. I asked him for life advice and he told me to be kind to my younger brother. He told me to understand that kids see the world in black and white while we have experienced the world to see in shades of grey. It's not fair to punish them for not understanding things the same way we do. The only thing we can do is support them as they figure out the world in their own way.
