All my relationships

Pratibha Rai
-first thought is full of regrets.
-She is the closest thing to a childhood friend I had. We were very close from grade 3-6 in primary school as we were in the same classroom. I liked her and I think she liked me too.
-we remained close friends until 6th grade.
In the middle of 6th grade, when we were sitting next to each other in a group table, she asked me:
”Biraj, do you like me.”
I was too shy and embarrassed to tell her the truth that I liked her. So I told her that I didn’t like her. She nudged me again and asked, “Do you like me?” I said “no” and I lightly punched her on the shoulder.
We never talked about it again after that. We still remained friends but I deeply regret this moment to this day.
It is my biggest regret and I keep telling myself that I should have told the truth. All I can do is learn from it and be brave enough not to repeat the same mistake.
I tried to reach out and meet her in person to apologize for this but I don't think she was too interested in meeting up with me anymore. There's that.

LA Metro internship friend (forgot her name)
-this was the summer 2018 after high school and it was my first ever job.
-we ended up talking to each other by coincidence in intern events even though we worked in different departments.
-she asked me out to eat sushi at little Tokyo. I thought, “cool” this is a nice way to make new friends. Then I realized she is a girl and she didn’t invite anyone else.
-both of us liked each other and we did hang out a few times during the internship trying out different restaurants. It was fun.
-However, my social skills were 0 so it didn’t work out that great. After the internship, we just went back to separate ways and stopped contacting each other.
-Looking back, I should have been more socially aware and more open about talking about myself with her. It might have been frustrating for her to carry all the conversations.

Italian girl
-It was in 2020 spring when this happened before Covid lockdown went full force. I was working in the front desk every week in our new counseling building in Santa Monica College. I would often help other students get around and answer questions. My friends Canyon, Sam, Champ, and Pan would come annoy me all the time.
-One of the girls from Alpha Gamma Sigma Honor Society found me cute so she came up to me while I was working and talking with Champ. She asked me if I would "like to get coffee sometime". I said "I don't drink coffee". She said, "what about tea?". "I don't drink tea either." She sounded sad as she said "ok..." I said "I am down to drink boba though." She said in a worried voice "Boba sounds good" as she walked away disappointed and surprised about the whole conversation.
Champ put up the meme "you dense motherfucker". He told me that the Italian girl was trying to ask me out the whole time and I didn't realize it. The lack of social awareness became a huge turn-off for her.
To this day, just looking back on this memory causes me to cringe from the embarrassment of how autistic and socially inexperienced I was. Now I am not surprised when I realize how socially underdeveloped I am.

Shuran Yang (spring 2022)

It was my first semester at UC Berkeley after transferring from Santa Monica College and finishing up my basic training in the army. It was in Spring 2022 when I met her. I was trying to socialize, going to different club events and trying my hardest to get a girlfriend.

I first met her in an Asian American Association kickback party. The mood was pretty relaxed overall. She was the first person I met and talked with since most people arrived late. After my friend arrived, I ditched her to catch up with him. Looking back, I was very disrespectful in doing that. After talking with my friend, I went to talk to her again. I had multiple shots of vodka mixed with guava juice in me.

I tried to get to know her again. I tried a trick I learned from Tom (SMC) and dating books. I touched her arm and asked about her bracelet to increase physical contact. I told her about my time in the US military. When her friend arrived, I told her in front of her friend that I liked her because I found her cute.

While dropping her off home, we got closer as we talked about parental troubles over us trying to express ourselves and try out new things in the American culture. She let me borrow her jacket as I returned home. That night's walk back in the rain was one of my happiest moments. I finally found dating success in my life. I was on cloud 9.

(Note from Biraj, writing about this hurts me because I have a lot of regrets about me being socially inexperienced and having all these dating mistakes).

In our first date, it went 4/10. I prepared beforehand by scouting out the UC Berkeley campus for nice places to take her on a walk. I also prepared what to talk about such as my experience wanting to be a doctor. However, they all felt robotic and scripted. Looking back, I felt like I was saying them for the sake of saying them to impress her and not to actually express myself vulnerablly. I felt like I said nothing of emotional value on that date. We sat down and I put my arm around her but it felt forced. She didn't trust me or know me well enough for that. I walked her back to her friend's study group.

After that, she became unavailable until Spring Break. She was alone in Berkeley as her friends went to Las Vegas. I invited her to hang out again. This time, it was the same result, not much was said on my end. I was asking her a lot of questions to the point it felt like an interrogation. I was too scared on my end to express myself vulnerable.

I did take her to the cherry blossom festival and took her to the pier. This is when I had a breakthrough moment. I had an enchanting date with her, shopping around, eating ramen, and having fun with the shiba inus (Japanese dogs). At the pier, as we were watching the seals fight each other over and over again, it made me sad and depressed. The seals would push each other off the platform into the water only to climb back up to start the fight over again.

It felt futile and hopeless in the grand scheme things. It reminded me of the times where I felt that nothing I did matter especially when I did good in academics and extracurriculars but my parents would call me worthless over and over again. As I talked about it with her. I cried. I also learned about her scars on her hand caused by her parent's abuse. I asked if I could kiss her and she said Yes. I kissed her on the cheek with a photo.

After walking back home, we were walking arm with arm (or hand in hand) and I felt close to her for the first time. After we arrived outside her apartment, she looked like she wanted something. At that moment, I just said goodbye and left.

Looking back, that was the perfect moment to kiss her and spend the night with her. That moment was a huge turn off for her as she realized how socially inexperienced I was.

This is also one of my biggest regrets in life to this day.

After that, we met once more to go to the Berkeley Marina to watch the ocean. Overall, it was very awkward as I still sucked at communicating and being open with her. I asked a lot of questions but her answers felt safe. On the way back, she asked if we could just stay friends. I said "yes" sadly.

I still blame myself to this day for not escalating things with her and being socially inexperienced. I did hang out with her a few times at parties with other mutual friends but that romantic connection is gone.

Thinzar Khin

Peri Platenberg

Quanlin Yuan (Sharleen, "Chuenlin")