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I had to stop writing the 365 prompts from think written because a lot of them asked me to do poems and stories which I wasn’t particularly interested. The goal of these prompts was to make me write and express myself better. It is narcissistic of me.

Now I am switching to 365 prompts from Brilliantio: https://brilliantio.com/365-journal-prompts/

1. What do you always think about but never talk about? (02/28/2023)

Already starting with the hard questions, huh. I have never talked about my desire to overcompensate.

Growing up as a kid, teenager, and a young adult, I always felt below average on everything whether its was my looks, career, social circle, relationships, or my confidence. As a result, everyday, my mind is always fixated on this dream of me overcompensating for my failures in the past. The only way I can stop thinking about it all the time is if I successfully overcompensate to a certain extent that I feel like I have succeeded in beating others. It’s a delusional race where I am the only one running with the whole world as my rival.

I am a fucked up person. There were certain times where I could have helped someone or gave them some advices or tips but I didn’t. In some ways, I wanted them to lose and to suffer like I have. I won’t gain anything from their wins so why not just watch them lose and struggle. I don’t know if I will ever be able to think in this way. Growing up with asian parents who constantly compare you to your parents and cousins turns you into what I am. Being a good student on your own isn’t enough, you also have to be better than them. I would get scolded and beat if I didn’t get first place in math. I was just a trophy to compare to other trophies. Slowly, I began to lose compassion for them. On secondary school selection day, when I found out my cousin got rejected to a school I got into, I felt good. I felt like I finally won and won’t have to worry about being compared to her anymore. Quickly I became self-aware of the monster I have become. This cousin was my best friend. She was the one who I often hung out with in school and outside school. She was a really close friend who I trusted and cared about. When things got bad between me and my parents, I would sometimes call her to either vent or cry about it and she would be there to listen.

Here I was secretly feeling happiness from her rejection.

11 years have gone by. I try to be helpful as possible especially to the ones that need it. My older sister taught me to see things from other’s point of view and not to be an overall piece of shit. I have grown and matured as a person. I have learned how to be empathetic and listen with kindness even to people that get on my nerves. But even now, I still feel that sick desire to watch everyone fail. I want everyone to fail like I have in the past. I want them to feel the pain of embarrassment, struggle, and shame of being on the bottom.

I hope that one day, I can cure this sick part of myself by overcompensating. I hope I will.