83

83 Write a letter to yourself, from yourself. (05/05/2023)

Hey BG,

This is BG which is you or me or us. I don't know how this works. We are in a weird place right now. We are 22 years old and life is getting more exciting and more confusing simultaneously. I have been out of the rat race because I took an extra year in college changing my majors and I ended up joining the army and deploying which took another year and a half. Most of my high school friends have already graduated and are either working in their full-time jobs or studying their upper-grad programs.
Most of my life, we were taught that life is a competition. Your success isn't determined by your success alone but in relation to the success of your peers. It didn't matter if I get an A- in my classes if most of my peers were getting A+. As a result, being jealous of others became a habit. I didn't want other people to succeed more than me. I loved it when people failed because that meant I wasn't much of a disappointment in contrast to them. I often hesitated in helping others because I didn't want to be surpassed.
Even now, I am still a hateful and envious person after all we have been through. On top of that, I am also an over-compensator, constantly working to prove himself due to the traumas of being a failure in my childhood, teenage, and younger adult years. On one hand, I want to be free from all the hatred and the pressure of wanting to prove myself. On the other hand, its the main reason why I got this far. I didn't feel like dying as a nobody so I gave the army a chance. It keeps me motivated to keep self-improving and learning from anything I can. If I become free from my overcompensation, what will be left of me. There is no fuel to keep me moving forward anymore. I will be fully burnt out. With nothing to keep me going and no reason to keep suffering, I might end up killing myself as a result. What a mess I am.

Best,

BG from 05/05/2023