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47 What would it be if you could become an expert in one area or activity? (04/12/2023)

I always had the fantasy of being able to manipulate others. The idea of controlling others to achieve your goals seemed amazing. I think about great leaders who manipulated millions of people to achieve their goals and ideas. Whether they were great or evil, we all still remember them for their historical impact. I was scared of being forgotten like everyone else so one of my dream careers was to be the Los Angeles Mayor. Growing up as a nobody, I was always hungry for more social status so that envy and self-hatred pushed me towards politics.
Looking back now, I realize how foolish and childish I was with my fantasies. Most politicians pursue politics because they have goals and dreams they want to achieve with their political power. As for me, I just wanted the job for the fame and the money.
Most of my desire to be a politician is gone but I still get that itch sometimes.
If I can't be an expert in manipulation, I want to be a master at breaking down people's personas. All of us hide our true personalities and intentions with others at different levels. It's the same reason why I only talk about my hobbies and weather with a coworker compared to my best friends who I discuss my dreams and anxieties with. Our main intention isn't necessarily to deceive others but to protect ourselves from others' crticism and judgements. If I talk about one of my hobbies like baking cookies with a variety of toppings like M&Ms or chocolate chunks and others make fun of it, I will be a little offended and embarassed. I might not even mention the same hobby again during icebreakers. However, if I talk about my shitty secondary school experience and I get laughed at, I might have a mental breakdown and hard time trying not to cry in front of everyone.
Whoever I am talking to, I want to be able to make them open up and feel safe around me. I am tired of talking about the fucking weather for the millionth time or top destinations to travel to. I don't care about those things. I want to listen to others’ genuine stories that allow me to relate with them and to make them feel not alone. Only through that, can I make real connections. Whoever I am with, I want to be able to be honest as possible with them. Whether I am happy or sad, I want to be able to tell them about it and I want the same experience for them as well.