42&43
42 Could you spend the whole day in your own company without getting bored? (04/08/2023)
If I am back in the US, I could spend a whole day with almost no human interaction without getting bored. I would wake up, clean the house, tidy up everything and get some exercise done with my favorite artist "In Love with a Ghost" playing in the background. I would go for a walk outside in the neighborhood at least for an hour to see if anything new is happening. Maybe there is road construction, another car hitting the metal pole, or just people waiting at the bus stop either on their phones or just looking out into the sky. I would go shopping for groceries and make my favorite breakfast, 4 scrambled eggs with 2 bacon strips. I think the longest streak of eating that every day was for about 45 days. I would try to finish my next video game, either RE4 remake or Elden Ring (70 hours in and barely 1/3rd through). I might even watch a new movie like Shutter Island or start watching Attack on Titan. For lunch, I might make egg fried rice with vegetables and sausage additions. When night comes around, I will step outside, go uphill, and watch the stars from the road sidewalk.
From the second day onwards, I will hate being stuck in the house and I might venture outside. Maybe a 2 hour walk to Santa Monica Beach and my community college. I might try all doors to enter an empty lecture hall and draw an Amongus cartoon on the whiteboard with a large UwU sign. At the beach, I will walk to the edge of the Santa Monica Pier and gaze at the never-ending ocean view of waves moving back and forth. If I am lucky, I might even spot a dolphin or two. At night, I might make myself my favorite sandwich consisting of, two slices of bread, 5 slices of turkey, chopped spinach, a tomato slice, and some sandwich sauce (ketchup with mayo) with relish.
It would take me less than a week before I go crazy being by myself but I could last up to 3-4 days alone. There is a goal I have. I want to spend each of my next birthdays all alone by myself if possible. I spend 364 days with other people, but I want to spend my birthday alone. I might answer phone calls and gifts from others but I just want to go on a walk to wherever and reflect on my life from start to now. Each birthday is a checkpoint, and also a good time to revaluate yourself and your goals to see if you are currently satisfied with what you have and where you are headed.
43 What would it be if you could go back in time and change one thing from your past? (04/08/2023)
There are so many things I wish I could’ve changed. I wish I put more effort into studying Cantonese back when I was in Hong Kong. I would’ve been more successful and my parents wouldn’t have to worry about my future at all. Every time I tell people that I was born in Hong Kong, China, people expect me to speak when in reality, I don't.
However, the biggest regret of mine is all the way back in fifth grade or sixth grade. I had a childhood friend, her name was Pratibha Rai. We studied together for almost 4 years, from grade 3-6. We hung out a lot in school and sometimes after. I had a crush on her, and I think she had a crush on me too. I still remember it was during class. We were seated together where 4 students join 4 tables together in a shape of a pinwheel. We were talking for a bit when all of a sudden, she brings up the question: "Biraj, do you like me?". I did, but I lied and said no. I was scared of admitting that I liked her because I was afraid that the other guys would make fun of me or call me a girl for having feelings. Back then before we hit puberty, the only thing in the mind of us guys are just having fun and doing stupid shit. To further support my lie, I punched her on her arm to prove that I didn't like her. She didn't know how to get me to admit the truth, and I didn't know how to either. After that, she never brought up the conversation again and our friendship slowly deteriorated from there. Fast forward now and its been around 11 years since that incident and I don't even know where she is or if she is even alive. If she is though, I would like to get one chance to talk with her and admit my mistake and regret.
Sadly, even though this is my biggest regret, I don't think I would change it. If I did end up confessing the truth back then, there is a high chance, my life now would be completely different. I might not have a little brother, or the same best friends I have now. I might not have been bullied and betrayed and never learned from my older sister. For that reason, I wouldn't change it. However, I still want to speak with Pratibha once more.
