24 & 25
24 Which of your fears do you think is least likely to come true? (03/22/2023)
I do have some fears. My younger brother dying before me is a fear. My younger brother ending up with the same social anxiety issues as I is another fear. My best friends leaving me once I open up to them is another fear. Me dying as a virgin or having never kissed a girl is also a fear, it will be very embarrassing. Me dying without having achieved much is another fear.
I don't think my younger brother will end up like me. While he still lives with my parents, they are more flexible on rules and they have learned from their previous mistakes. He will have a much stronger American identity because he came to the US when he was 2 years old and has been here ever since. I hope he doesn't get bullied or betrayed by his friends like I was so he should be fine being more social and more vulnerable in general.
However, the fear that I believe might come true is my best friends leaving me. We have been hanging our together for almost 4 years. We have similar interests in terms of video games and we are all introverted. Lately, I have been working towards being more vulnerable and more honest about who I am as a person. I have this fear inside me that they might decide not to hang out with me anymore when they find out my plan to overcompensate.
Growing up lacking friends, success, or a partner has created a deep desire to overcompensate for those things. I was a loner back then so I tried so desperately to make friends whether it was researching books and videos on making friends and being a better active listener. I imitated people as a compliment, took interest in their hobbies, offered snacks and mints to show I was a good friend to them. I was always the guy they could count on if they needed help with anything. I ended up having a lot of friends around me especially during my time in AGS but all those friendships were built on weak foundations. They barely knew anything about who I was underneath. I barely spoke to any of them about my anxieties, depression, and anger issues. I was just a friend for them to hang out with. Now, I don't feel the urge to be friend with everybody in the room regardless of whether I like them or not. A few close friends that I am very open with and that I care about is enough for me. I cannot please everyone and that's ok.
While I have somewhat overcame my desire to overcompensate on friendships, I have not done much progress on success or dating. Even now, I have this weird fantasy to have fucked 38 different people in my lifetime. In addition to that, I also dream of studying in an ivy league school and making a 6 figure salary at big tech companies like Google. Deep down, I still feel ugly, unlovable, dumb, and unsuccessful.
25 Write about some things that give you hope. (03/22/2023)
Right now, I feel despair. I kind of lost hope in a lot of things. Losing weight for example, I have been working on trying to lose weight for almost 6 months, and I haven't seen much progress. The only progress I have seen is in my dips and pull ups. My weight has relatively stayed the same for the most part so I have gotten slightly leaner in that sense but I haven't fully lost fat to the point of having six packs. What the fuck!? Where are my six packs? Why does my stomach still look the same as 2 months ago? Why have I been eating chicken and protein bars/drinks almost everyday for little progress?
I have little to no hope at this point of ever getting six packs. However, I am way too deep in this to stop. Stopping would mean that I was wrong and all this cutting calories and cardio was all for nothing. Nothing.
Now that I look back on. I wasn't being fully honest about my weight loss journey. There were many times that I drank alcohol, slept less than 7 hours, and just ate junk food whether it was cake, chocolate bars, and my kryptonite, gummy candies in the form of fruit snacks and Haribo coke gummy candies. I did no leg exercises until a month ago where I started doing deadlifts. I am too scared to do squats so deadlifts are the only leg exercises I do (its more of a half leg-half back exercise).
I have regained some hope and some humility in realizing that I was wrong. I have to take my workouts and diet more seriously. As I try to get leaner, it gets progressively harder to lose weight because my body is always trying to maintain my fat because it hates change like I do. I will keep doing my workouts and diet because I still have hope that I will get six packs someday.
