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21 What’s it called, and why do you love it so much? (03/19/2022)

I have a love and hate relationship with pain. Pain itself sucks and hurts a lot. But on the other hand, pain was the main driving force behind a lot of change and personal growth. It was the pain I felt from bullying and socially isolated that made me more open minded to learn to be empathetic from my older sister. The pain I got when my parents told me I was worthless over and over again made me more honest. I stopped caring about things just to impress others and instead focused more on my own values and the people I care deeply about. The pain I feel when I hesitate to ask someone out and to be honest about my feelings has pushed me to become more vulnerable and open about who I am in general.
Pain improved me so much that a large majority of who I am today were due to pain. It still hurts and I am crying as I am writing this because rethinking those past memories still hurts. Just thinking about being bullied repeatedly with no friends or no caring family members hurts still. Even though the first time I self-harmed myself was 2 years ago when my parents called me worthless after years of arguments and self-doubt, it still hurts. I still remember the moment when my mind cracked when I heard the word "worthless" for the third time. Every time I hesitated to ask someone out or to make a move, my inner self-hatred grows as I curse myself, my family, and this world for my own weakness. It hurts knowing that I let others' expectations stop me from pursuing what I want. I hate myself for being a coward, a people pleaser, and a puppet. That self-hatred, the self-rejection hurts me more than anything.