126+127
126. What’re your favorite foods? (06/20/2023)
Costco combo pizza, Panda Express: Fried Rice-Chow Mein with Teriyaki chicken and orange chicken, and KBBQ Beef Bulgogi.
When I first began college, my life dream was to get a full-time job, my own apartment, and eat my favorite foods everyday while playing video games. That's what my dream was. A peaceful one. I didn't care too much about being great or making a difference, I just wanted to enjoy life in my own way. That was 3 years ago.
They are still my favorite foods but I rarely eat them. The only things I eat now are lots of chicken breasts, vegetables, protein bars, protein shakes, multivitamin gummies, pears, and a dinner roll. If the average human being had to eat that everyday, they will most likely hate their life. To most people, food is something to be enjoyed and explored. Eating different types of food is a way of experiencing different cultures. My food on the other hand is mostly bland so I often add siracha or spicy potato chips for flavoring. Food became a tool to build my ideal body, not something to enjoy.
However, every now and then, when I am with friends, I like to eat delicious food at restaurants or fast food joints. While the food is delicious, I don't have the same appetite as I used to. Even while eating out, there are times where I feel guilty and calculate the calories I am consuming. If I consume 700 calories, that's 7 miles I have to run later tonight to avoid gaining excessive weight.
When I am back in the states, I do want to recreate my favorite foods in my own home. The Costco combo pizza went extinct due to covid so I want to make it myself. I love cooking and baking every once in a while. It's a tiring adventure. On one hand, I am excited to create something from start to finish, but on the other hand, there are so many ways you can fuck up from the meal preparation, the cooking/baking, and the presentation. Cooking requires a lot of trial and error. I didn't fully appreciate the foods others made for me until I had to cook something myself. Even the simplest dish like spaghetti with tomato sauce and meat is prone to human error. You could overboil the pasta or underboil it. You can add too little salt or too much of it. You can burn the meat and spaghetti to black if you don't toss the food while cooking it. The best part of cooking your own food is that you can taste your mistakes and successes. Cooking is one of my favorite hobbies. In the future, I do want to perfect some of my dishes so that I can serve it to my friends and family.
127. If you could know one thing about the future, what would it be? (06/20/2023)
I want to know if I will ever be happy without all the envy and anger inside of me. Will I ever move on from my embarrassing past? That’s what I want to know.
Regardless of the answer, my trajectory will remain the same. I will continue to be the edgelord that I am. It’s the fate I have accepted. My own happiness didn’t matter as long as I got my revenge and I got to prove that I am superior and others were wrong for rejecting me.
I wonder what my last thoughts would be whether I was hanging myself at a young age, dying in an accident, or laying on a hospital bed as an old man with my family around me. I don’t fully believe in the idea of a heaven, hell, afterlife, or reincarnation. Life just stops. I think my last thoughts would be me regretting that I devoted so much time and energy being angry towards others when I could have been doing whatever makes me happy. Even knowing this, I don’t think I would change my ways until I feel like I have overcompensated enough to redeem my past failures. I am too stubborn. I have this fear that if I walk away from this path now, I would just have regrets later on. I would be telling myself that I could have proved myself to others but I ran away like a coward. I end up with regrets regardless.
It looks like a lose-lose situation. However, I have hope. My dream is to complete overcompensating before I am 30. That way, I waste as little time as possible on this fantasy while also feeling like I did prove myself and can now move on with my life.
I can’t ignore my past, but I won’t allow it to ruin my entire life either.
