107

107. What do you want to do this year but are afraid to? (05/29/2023)

I want to fuck every human being that I consider to be hot or cute (and legal of course). It is a part of my overall desire to compensate. I have to surpass most people in dating, socializing in general, and career-wise because I was terrible at those areas in my life. Having a healthy relationship is not enough. I want to fuck a lot of people to prove that I am not socially retarded as I was before. I too am capable of dating and fucking like everyone else or even better than them. I will drink excessive amounts of alcohol, try a variety of drugs, and go to raves and clubs 18 year old me never imagined about.

A driving force behind all of this is a mixture of sadness and envy towards others. Why am I socially retarded? Why do I hesitate and value others’ opinions so much? What did I do to deserve feeling lonely and unwanted all the time?

There is also fear. A part of me is scared that the actions I take will ruin my friendships and future relationships. It is a terrible thing to view people solely as sex objects to boost my ego. Yet, I can’t avoid this feeling of emptiness inside my heart that reminds me of the pain of loneliness. That pain morphs into anger which fuels all these nightmares and horrible thoughts.