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39 What’s the one aspect of you that you’re still trying to understand? (04/06/2023)
My ego
I am constantly arguing with my inner ego.
On one hand, my ego is the sole-reason for my improvement. It is there pushing me in each rep I do while exercising. Every time I look in a mirror, my ego uses my hands to brush up my hair to look more handsome and less messy. When my eyes get pulled by the freezer section containing all the ice cream, my ego pulls it away to keep my diet on track.
On the other hand, my ego is leading me to self-destructive acts and a desire to overcompensate for my past failures. My ego morphs into self-hatred and each thing destroyed feels one step closer to improvement. I threw away old clothes because it reminded me of the one time a girl called me "divorced dad of two". I threw away old books and games because it reminded me of my social anxiety. I remove people from my friends list to better filter and manage my time. I separate myself on purpose from my friends and family for the sake of "self-improvement". After all, that was the main intention behind me deploying.
My ego's impact on happiness becomes paradoxical. Through self-improvement, I become more successful and my relationship with friends and family is better. However, it also makes me separate from them to further improve myself. I don't know how to fully explain it.
As much as I despise my ego and pride, I wouldn’t be here today without it. It is the only thing keeping me alive. I could have killed myself many years ago, but my ego kept reminding me of the embarassment I would have if I died as a nobody. When all my family and friends are at my family, all I would be remembered is as the weird kid who never amounted to anything in life at all. The desire to overcompensate and to prove my success to others keep me moving. I can’t die, not yet, not until I have proven myself that I am capable of surpassing others.
“When all I have known is failure and disappointments throughout my whole life, even the smallest taste of success makes each ounce of pain worthwhile.”
40 If you could wake up every day and it was a vacation or a season, which would you choose? (04/06/2023)
Fall season
Summer is the worst season because it is boiling hot almost everyday with the sun burning my face off into a crisp. I hate the sun the most in life so summer automatically becomes the worst season. Everyone says summer is the best season because that's when they have vacation. However, people often died at work due to heat exhaustion in summer which is why they decided to make that the season for vacation.
2nd worst is winter. As much as I love snow and cold days where I can just snug up in my bed and drink hot cocoa, I don't want that to be everyday. I want to be able to enjoy sports like running or soccer but if its snowing everywhere, then you can only do those things indoors safely. It will also be terrible for work productivity and a huge hassle often putting on multiple layers to go outside only to take them off when you go indoors again.
2nd best is spring, it's not too cold, nor is it too warm. It is the perfect weather for everyone where its sunny enough to make you want to go outside with less sun burn. The sky is blue with a lot of clouds and the occasional small ball of light. There are little showers of rain every now and then. All the plants are thriving and the trees look greener than ever. This is the season of life and its hard to not like it.
However, for me, I want to live in fall weather everyday. One, there is almost no sun and its cloudy a lot with some rain so I will often be outside. It's also a little cold so I can put on more layers without sweating. While everyone is depressed about the weather, I am just having the time of my life outside. While spring is full of life, fall is more dead and quiet which is why I love it. It's so peaceful and relaxing. I could just break into a dance in public.
